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Author's Prologue
Harukami: Here it is! The sequel that I promised on the AYML!! OH OHOHOHOHOHOH!!!
Slayers char: shudders
Lina: Do you... know Naga?
Harukami: I know someone who was possessed by her...
Lina:...
Zelgadas: Not the sequel... to THAT fic?
Harukami: Yes! I have been told repeatedly I should be more assertive. So I will. grin
Xelloss: ^_^
Gourry: Hey, Lina, what's assertive?
Lina: It's when people stand up for their rights and sorta thrust down on others at the same time.
Gourry: Oh, like you?
Lina: FireBALL!
Zelgadas: Not... not another lemon... with him?
Amelia: NO! NO NO NO NO NO NONO NO!!!
Xelloss:^_^;;
Harukami: No, not a lemon. deep breath I'd like to apologize now to all Amelia-lovers and assure them I don't hate her. Honest. I swear.
Amelia: shrinking back What's... what's going to happen to me?
Xelloss: whisper whisper ^_^
Amelia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Harukami: What did you tell her?
Xelloss: Sore wa Himitsu desu. ^_^
Harukami: Don't give me that, m'lad, I'm a fanfiction author.
Xelloss: opening eyes What can you possibly do to me that would bother me? And it's probably been done before anyways.
Harukami: I can... shocked look But... *~_~*
Xelloss: Exactly.
Gaav: Oh, yes. And talking about assertiveness, wasn't there something I asked you to do, Val-chan?
Valgaarv: Yes, my Gaav-sama! And I'd be MOST pleased ta do it! raises sword and charges Xelloss
Gourry: Hey, that's mine! My Hikari no Ken!
Lina: HEY!!! I WANTED THAT!!!
Xelloss: Can't we talk about this, Val-kun?
Val: No! I gotta get revenge on you for taking my revenge away from me! Besides, Gaav heart-sama told me to!
Xel: phases out and a raspberry sound is heard from thin air
Harukami: Hm... what do you think of an Alice in Wonderland type fic, with Xelloss as the Cheshire Cat?
Xel: smile phases in
Val: stabs insistantly at the smile with the Hikari no Ken
Gourry: hanging off off Val's arm That's my sword!
Lina: Get your hands off his sword! Geez, what's this with everyone handling Gourry's sword?!?
Amelia: She's a yaoi writer, Lina-san.
sweatdrops all around
Xelloss: Oh, if I were only physical to make such a joke.
Val: Go on. I dare ya.
Gaav: That's the way, Val-chan!
Val: swoon
Xelloss: takes this opportunity to escape deeper into the fic
Zelgadis: NOO! I don't wanna go but the text is pulling me in...
After running up a gentle slope
you should rest for a while and sit on the hill.
Even the birds that sing while flying through the expansive sky ...
Look, even they rest their wings and sleep. [1]
"Finally!" Lina exclaimed, sigh escaping her lips. "I thought we'd never make it to Amberton!" [2]
"And that means..." Gourry began.
"DINNER!!!" The two began to dash towards the nearest inn.
Xelloss floated up. "Hmm... seems like Gou-kun's going to win... no, wait, Lina's almost caught up... and... she grabs his hair and pulls him off balance... looks like Lina-san's the winner,dear fans!"
Zelgadis raised an eyebrow at his antics. "Who are you narrating to?"
"Eh? Sore wa Himitsu desu."
"Whatever."
Amelia turned towards Zelgadis. "Zelgadis-san... are you going to be coming in with us to the town this time? I'm sure that..."
"Maybe later," the chimera declined. "I've heard that Amberton has a famous library."
"And you want to look for a cure for your condition? I'll help!" She raised excited eyes towards Zelgadis, but froze at the expression on his face.
The shaman shook his head. "No. I'd prefer to go this one alone."
"I... I won't be a bother, I'll help! I promise!"
"NO!" At Amelia's look of shock, Zelgadis lowered his voice. "I'm sorry, Amelia. But I'd like a little time alone, thank you." He pulled his hood lower over face and set off in the general direction of the library.
The young princess fought tears. I will not cry, she thought fiercely. I am Amelia, champion of justice, and I DO NOT cry!
She jumped, startled, feeling a hand on her shoulder. "Uh... What is it, Xelloss-san?" She asked, forcing cheerfulness. She couldn't break down in front of him... especially because...
"He's been acting awfully moody lately. Do you know why?" As usual, Xelloss's face did not reveal any of his thoughts.
"N - no. Do you?"
"He seems lonely."
"Yes." That was exactly how he was seeming, Amelia realized. How smart of Xelloss-san to have figured it out! "Do... do you think I should go after him?"
Xelloss's eyebrows jumped up in surprise. "You want to know what I think?"
Amelia rubbed her foot in the dirt. "Well... yes."
"I think that would be a wonderful thing for you to do!" Xelloss enthused. "Sometimes when humans... well, whatevers in Zel-kun's case... say they want to be left alone, they are using a sort of code to ask for people to be with them!"
"So I should go after him?"
"That would be an idea."
Amelia nodded, eyes bright. "Thanks, Xelloss-san, I won't forget this!" She shouted, running off in the direction Zelgadis had taken.
"It would be an idea," Xelloss repeated quietly, smile lingering on his lips. "Just not a good one."
Always so far away...
I'm hurrying along the way to become a fighter
No way will it stretch to my hand so easily
I remember the people through these same pupils [3]
Zelgadis sat down amongst the shelves with a sigh. It had taken him enough effort to get in here... apparently some books had been stolen recently, and they'd wanted a good look at his face. Of course, when they saw his skin colour and texture, and his curs'd Mazoku eyes [4], they'd given him a lot of difficulty to get in there. He'd finally convinced them that he was a poor boy looking for a cure for his curse.
That long ago, it wouldn't have been a lie.
But now, Zelgadis had almost given up, had resigned himself to a scaled life. What he was actually here to research was quite a different matter.
Xelloss had been watching him for a while. This made Zelgadis worried. What had encouraged the Mazoku to take such an interest in him?
And some of those comments he'd thrown out, about Mazoku society [5] were very intriguing. Perhaps there were some answers to be found about those infamous secrets of Xelloss's. And if they could be found anywhere, they would be found in books.
Or revealed by the trickster priest himself, but Zelgadis knew there was little chance of that happening.
Except that Xelloss HAD given away information that Zelgadis had never expected to get: what his new nature meant. And given it away freely.
Unless it was a lie.
It was probably a lie.
Why wouldn't he lie?
Zelgadis sighed, searching the shelves carefully. Where... where? Ah! A rare smile widened on his face. A personal account of various Mazoku figures. Probably not very accurite, but it would have a grain of truth.
He pulled it down and began searching through the index.
'X... Xenotear... Xellas...' "Not quite" 'Xellire... Xelloss. "Xelloss Metallium, p. 675-683."
Excitedly, he flipped through the book, searching the yellowed pages for the right ones.
He smiled as he saw a badly-drawn picture of Xelloss... wearing full robes, with hair down to mid-back, and face very serious, but quite obviously the same Xelloss he knew. "Xelloss Metallium, born forty-three (6) years before the Dragon/Mazoku wars, is one of the most infamous creatures under the Beastmaster. He seems to play as her personal assassin, taking on with relish the assignments she gives him, mostly involving violent deaths. The Mazoku family [7] he was originally born to were very violent, even for Mazoku, and when Xelloss's twin brother, Xerinier,'s body was found mutilated under strange circumstances, it was thought by most that it was their parents who were responsible. After that incident, it has been said that Xelloss stopped talking for ten years, and on the same day he next spoke, his parents were murdered violently, dismembered. Xelloss himself was still a child at the time, and was put into a custody under a Mazoku sage. The child was apparently an avid reader and practically devoured the information in the sage's books. When he got to the end of the the general library, servants report that he begged repeatedly to be allowed into the sage's private collection. The sage denied him repeatedly, and eventually whipped him with an enchanted whip. That evening, his library burned down, and the sage perished in the flames. None of his books were ever found. Xelloss's past continued like this with aquaintances, lovers, and masters all ending up dead. This attracted the Beastmaster's attention, and she took a special interest in watching the young man. Eventually, she invited him for a private conversation, and..."
Zelgadis frowned. Here the script stopped, and blood marred the next few pages. [8] He flipped ahead in hopes of more information, but when he finally was able to make out the words, they were in a different handwriting, one much more difficult to puzzle out. He bent over the book closely, and was on the edge of figuring something out, when he heard a familiar voice call his name.
"Zelgadis-san? You were looking sort of sad, so I thought I'd come and visit you." Amelia had a bright smile on her face that didn't reach her eyes.
The chimera shut his book with a sigh. "What do you want, Amelia?"
"Just to be with you." She sat down beside him and peered at the book. "What's that? Did you find anything? 'Xelloss...' XELLOSS?!"
Zelgadis slammed the book shut, almost catching Amelia's nose in the bargain. "What. Do you want, Amelia?"
"Why are you reading about Xelloss-san? Why is he important to you? I thought you were looking up a cure..."
"It's hopeless, Amelia," Zelgadis said through his teeth. "There IS no cure. Rezo might have had one, but Rezo is dead. Dead. Do you hear me? There is no chance of me ever becoming human."
" I'm really sad.. about that... But what does that have to do with Xelloss?"
The chimera sighed, confused at himself, and getting angry about it. What did it have to do with Xelloss? Why should he bother to research the stupid Mazoku, anyways. "Leave it, Amelia."
"But..." Amelia tugged at his sleeve. "But I'm worried! Why are you researching Xelloss?"
"Is it important?"
"YES!!" she said vehemantly. "Because... because I think he's in love with you, but he can't have you! That's just wrong... and... and because I love you!"
"No. You don't," Zelgadis said with perfect assuriedly.
Tears welled up in Amelia's eyes. "Yes I do! I love you!"
"You're infatuated with me. It will pass. I'm your teacher, Amelia, and I'm over ten times your age. [9] It would never happen."
"Age doesn't matter!" She was clutching at his sleeve so tightly that it was in danger of tearing. "Nothing matters if you love someone!"
Zelgadis smiled grimly. "I care about you, Amelia, which is why we can never be more than friends. Whatever you've convinced yourself about about me, it's wrong. I want to be your friend... friends are one of the few things I can value. But I cannot be your lover, or husband, or whatever. For one thing, you're the heir, and I hate being among people. Whether I was king, or consort, I'd have to spend my time among too many. And I don't think you're the kind to want to be merely lovers. I can't give you what you want, Amelia. Even if I was in love with you, I couldn't force myself to go against my nature to do all that. I DO love you, but as a friend only." Seeing the tears running down his face, he felt awful. "I'm sorry, Amelia. I really am."
"I..." Her voice broke. "I... it wasn't supposed to be like this... I never thought it would be like this. Zelgadis-san... I... I love you. It's not going to go away."
"It will go away, with time."
"I don't want to lock you up, but I can't... It hurts so much inside!"
Zelgadis reached out and patted her hand. "I do understand what that feels like. I don't think I'm the best person to lean on to help you through this, because I am the problem, but as your friend, I'll do what I can to make it easy on you."
"Do... do you love Xelloss?"
"WHAT?!?"
"Do you love Xelloss?" She looked down. "You do, don't you?"
"NO! Of course not! There IS no love in our love/hate relationship."
"But they say you always hurt the ones you love, and you pound him all the time... you watch him all the time... and sometimes you blush... and..."
"I..." Zelgadis was at a loss for words. "I admit I don't know HOW I feel towards him, hate, friendship, or whatever, but... I'd know if I loved him, wouldn't I? I COULDN'T love a damn Mazoku!" He laughed. "I don't think you need to worry about that."
"It... it took me a long time to admit what I felt for you was... love. But it was. I don't know if you love Xelloss or not... but I... I think it would hurt to know, one way or another. If you did, I'd have reason to feel that I wasn't fooling myself that you could love me, and it might make me hate Xelloss. If you didn't, I'd probably hate myself. I think... I just don't want to know, yet. Maybe by the time you have figured out, one way or another, I'll be able to face it... as your friend. But... now... I... I just can't..." Tears streamed from her eyes and her breath caught in her throat as she began to sob.
For a minute, Zelgadis didn't know what to do. Then he reached out and hugged Amelia, patting her back lightly, like a friend. "Amelia... I AM sorry. If I was able to love you like that, I would... but you feel sort of like the sister I never had... you're family, not romantic... I'm sorry."
"I know." Her voice, heavy with tears, seemed very old for a moment. "If... you'll excuse me, I want to be alone for a while." Slowly, she stood, and walked away.
Love? Zelgadis thought. Is this all it brings?
"Let's walk unhurriedly and patiently
Let ourselves be guided by "flashes" or chance happenings
Everyone Sha la la la la lala
and continue our respective journeys under the same sun
for the sake of the happiness and chance meetings that tomorrow brings."
Xelloss turned and smiled at Amelia as the young shaman came running towards the inn. "So, how did it go?"
Amelia kept her eyes down and tried to hurry past, but the Mazoku phazed in in front of her. "Please, I'm interested!"
She turned eyes angrier and more filled with grief than he'd ever seen in her before on him. "Just. Fine. Thank you."
The trickster priest put a hand to his face in mock horror. "Amelia! What hatred! What did that wicked chimera do to you?!"
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" Amelia cried out as tears began to flow, and ran back towards the inn.
Xelloss's smile widened and he followed her in, but remembered to turn his face perfectly worried before entering the dining room. Lina and Gourry were staring up the stairs anxiously, presumably because the princess had just run past there. Lina turned to Xelloss. "Xelloss... what's wrong with Amelia?"
His 'worried' expression deepened. "She just came back from spending a lot of time with Zelgadis and she seemed to be hurting a lot. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me to leave her alone. I think," he lowered his voice and looked around as if upset about people over-hearing. "I think Zel-kun stole her innocence." [10]
Lina's eyes burned with righteous fire. "That... that WORM! I trusted him, but I guess he showed his true colours..."
"Really," Xelloss soothed, "it's obvious what she felt for him, and maybe he just couldn't keep his feelings in any longer."
"All men are such JERKS!!! How could he DO that to such a sweet girl?!?" Lina raged. "Oh, I'll show him... Where is he?!"
Xelloss coughed under his breath. "Last I knew he was at the library, but after what happened, he probably left and will be difficult to find."
Gourry was scratching his head. "What exactly are we talking about here?"
Lina sighed, stood on tipetoe and whispered in his ear.
The swordsman's face gradually became a mask of horror. "You're kidding! You don't seriously mean that..."
Lina clapped a hand over his mouth. "Quiet! Do you want to disgrace her?!"
The blond shook his head rapidly. "No." he whispered. "Of course not."
The fiery redhead let her breath out in an angry huff. "Let's split up to try to find him."
"Great!" Xelloss said, taking over. "Lina-san, you take the library because you're so wonderful with dealing with people. Gourry, you're a good outdoorsman, so you check along the river. I'll check around the inland countryside. Good luck. Remember poor Amelia!"
"RIGHT!" Lina and Gourry shouted, setting off in their directions.
The trickster priest's smile widened. "Of course, don't get your hopes up," he murmured. "He won't be at the library now, and I happen to know he doesn't like water, what with being very heavy. However, since I know where he is at all times, perhaps I will succeed."
"Speaking to myself, now, I keep walking on.
Talk to my dreams and keep walking on.
Where, where now should I keep living?
I don't want to live like a runner forever
Filthy, filthy paths, I don't want to be alone...
Voices bring us together, wounds become strength
I accept tomorrow's challenge"
Zelgadis sighed as he set up camp. There was no way he was going back to the inn tonight... Amelia would want some time to herself.
Unfortunately, that gave him time to think.
What DID he feel for Xelloss? Lots of anger, yes... but why? He was annoying. Amelia could be just as bad sometimes, and he didn't hate her. He was dangerous. So was Zelgadis himself... so were all of them. He was Mazoku. Zelgadis himself was part Mazoku and he didn't hate himself much any more. Because he made Zelgadis care?
Care for what?
Care to protect his friends?
Care for Xelloss himself?
Zelgadis knew that Mazoku liked pain, being part Mazoku himself, and he always attacked Xelloss anyways. Why? To give himself pleasure? He could get that other ways. To give Xelloss pleasure?
Did he want to please Xelloss?
Zelgadis forced himself to examine that without allowing himself any of his usual denials. Maybe. The look of ecstasy that crossed Xelloss's face always gave him a thrill. He thought it was something else, but it might have been... what? The thought that maybe it was only him who saw it?
That it was only him who received it?
That maybe Xelloss cared?
Mazoku don't care, was his first thought to that, but then he reminded himself that he himself was part Mazoku, and he KNEW he cared for his friends. Xelloss could care. Maybe. And maybe he wanted Zelgadis to think that and just hurt him later.
No, if so, he would have 'confessed' to Zelgadis already. He hadn't. Why?
Maybe he hadn't seen this coming, and simply hadn't taken advantage of it because of that.
Maybe he was scared Zelgadis would reject him.
The chimera almost laughed aloud at that. Xelloss? Scared? Of emotion? His laughter died out. Perhaps he was. Xelloss rarely ever allowed anyone to see any true emotion.
Probably, he had been like since his brother died.
Still, the book said that Xelloss was known to killed his lovers. Not the best person to be in love with. But maybe if they had cared about him ...
"I can't believe I'm even considering this," Zelgadis groaned aloud, and fell back from his sitting position to knock his head on the ground.
Or he would have. But instead his head hit something soft. [11]
"Took you long enough to notice I was here," Xellos commented with amusement, staring at the head in his lap.
Zelgadis sat bolt upright in shock. "YOU!! How long were you here?!"
"Long enough to see you completely absorbed in your thoughts." Xellos leaned backwards, opening his eyes to gaze at the night sky. "Nice night for star-gazing. Not that you noticed, contemplative as you were."
"You could have announced yourself," Zelgadis commented dryly.
"And missed the chance to see you not noticing anything? Never. By the way, the others are mad as anything at the way you broke Amelia's heart."
Zelgadis paled.
"Oh, I misdirected them so they wouldn't find you," the trickster priest smiled.
Lina tore her hair out as the librarian rambled at her. "No, look... LOOK! I'm not here for any of your books! I just want to know if there's this guy here who's, you know, blue and kind of scaly..."
The librarian pursed her lips. "Oh. Him. I thought he left already. Headed out of town."
Lina cursed and set off in another direction.
Gourry looked around hopelessly. "I'm so lost."
"Whether you're sad or you're happy
your falling tears are very beautiful...
If you accept your true feelings and are honest to your own heart
you will no longer have anything to worry about."
"I can't believe Amelia told them what we talked about," Zelgadis sighed.
"Oh, she didn't. They just extrapolated from given information." Xelloss butt-slid over to sit beside Zelgadis. "So, whatcha thinking about?"
"Nothing."
"Didn't look like nothing." Xelloss poked at Zelgadis's throat. "See? If I'd wanted to kill you, I could have done so while you weren't paying attention."
"Why didn't you?"
Xelloss smiled. "Sore wa... Himitsu desu."
The chimera snorted. "You and your secrets."
"Hey, a guy's gotta have some mystery." Xelloss started playing with the tips of Zelgadis's hair, watching it spring back into position. "What were you looking up in the library anyways? I thought you'd given up on a cure."
"I - " Zelgadis turned so he was nose to nose with Xelloss, and said, very seriously, "Sore wa Himitsu desu."
Emotions crossed Xelloss's face rapidly... astonishment to anger to disbelief and finally to amusement. He threw his head back and laughed. "Oh, Zel-kun, that's funny. As if I couldn't find out your secrets if I chose."
Zelgadis smiled darkly. "I know. I thought of it myself. And I found out a few of yours."
Xelloss's eternal smile faded. "You found out some of my secrets? Which ones?"
"I'm not going to tell you just like that."
The priest shook his head. "Among the Mazoku, we have a saying." He put his lips against Zelgadis's ear. "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead."
Zelgadis turned so they were nose to nose again. "So kill me. Sometimes I feel you'd be doing me a favour."
Xelloss's eyes opened fully, staring at Zelgadis. "You do want to die, don't you. Why?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
Xelloss sighed and leaned back, wiggling his feet. "Ok. Realize that I am absolutely amazed at myself for suggesting this, but how about we have a secret-trading session? We both swear to tell the truth and not to tell anyone else, and we both feel better in the end." He gazed at the stars. "Honestly... sometimes I want to tell my secrets more than anything."
Amelia lay on her back on her bed, tears running down her face. It wasn't Zelgadis's fault. She couldn't force him to love her.
He couldn't love her.
Choking, she rolled over to bury her face in the pillow, drowning her tears in the feathers.
"Tonight, the stars break my sleep...
While I count them, I breathe a sigh...
The faraway path is only a detour
How many tears must the underdog shed?"
"So, what do I have to do?" Zelgadis looked nervously at the staff the smiling Mazoku was holding out.
"Just put your hand on the gem and swear to tell the truth to my questions, and never to tell anyone else." Xellos smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, it will just connect the two of us so we will know if the other is lying and give him a good psychic kick in the ass."
The chimera frowned suspiciously. "It's your staff. Will you be affected?"
"Oh, yes. This staff wasn't mine originally and it would be more than glad to see a new owner. Now swear," Xelloss told him.
Zelgadis placed a hand upon the gem, feeling the smooth curve under his fingers. "I swear by the strength I desired so long ago to tell the truth to Xelloss's questions and not tell anyone else."
A burst of pain/pleasure jolted up his arm, and along his body, leaving him gasping for air. He could feel a sense of 'Xelloss' on the edge of his awareness now.
Xelloss removed the staff from his numbed fingers and placed his own hand on it. "I swear by my love for the one I lost to tell the truth to Zelgadis's questions and not tell anyone else." Zelgadis watched Xelloss's eyes close in enjoyment and shivered.
Xelloss opened those unnerving eyes again. "All set up. Of course, if either of us tell anyone our secrets, that person will be incinerated so nothing remains."
"WHAT?!?"
"Just don't tell," Xelloss smiled.
"How did I let you talk me into this?" Zelgadis groaned.
"By your own free will. First question: Why do you want to die?"
Zelgadis sighed, picking through his mind to find the answer. "I... I'm so tired of it all. I have nothing, really. No goal. No humanity, really. No home. No happiness. I had friends, but after my talk with Amelia, I don't know if I'll even have that. I'm so lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people, and so ashamed of it all."
Xelloss tilted his head. "You're alive. You've got people who care... like Amelia, even if it hurts her. Like me."
The chimera sucked his breath in, but Xelloss was continuing.
"... You've perhaps not got an active family life, but you don't want one. You're unhappy because you feel you should be. Because you feel you deserve to be. But you don't. You try to be honest and good, and there's nothing to be ashamed about in your behaviour. You're more human than I am, and personally, I don't think not being human is a fault. You are ashamed of shadows, not yourself at all."
Zelgadis choked. "How would you know?!? How would you know how it feels to be so lonely you just want to curl up in a ball and die?! Nobody understands!"
"If you think that, you haven't dared to look out of your little shell and see." Xelloss had Zelgadis by the front of the shirt and was shaking him. "And you have the gall to say that nobody understands you." The Mazoku pulled his hand back and slapped him.
"What?!"
"That's for your self pity," Xelloss snorted. "You think just because you're different, nobody can understand you. I've got news for you, Zel-kun. Everyone is fundamentally alone! We're all lonely!"
"Lina's got everyone following and loving her."
"And powers that even she doesn't fully comprehend and people can't see that."
"Amelia is the much loved princess!"
"Who isn't loved by the one she loves."
"Gourry is so placid and easy going."
"And in love with Lina but never daring to say it."
"You..."
"I?"
Zelgadis looked down and whispered. "You're always smiling."
"And you want to ask me why?"
"Why, Xelloss? If you understand this all so well, why do you always smile?"
Xelloss's eyes closed, but not into his customary smile. "Because... because otherwise I couldn't deal with anything. Otherwise, either everyone would die, or I would."
The chimera leaned forward, trying to gauge the Mazoku's expression. "Your brother. Because he died?"
The Mazoku's eyes snapped over and he grabbed Zelgadis's throat. "What do you know about that?!"
"Answer me..."
"Yes. Because Xerinier died. He was my mirror. My other side." Xelloss seemed to notice Zelgadis pulling at his fingers, trying to breathe, and released the chimera. "I should have died, you know. It was me my family hated. He was just an afterthought. He cast the shadow. I was the shadow. When he died, I had to change or lose myself."
Zelgadis coughed. "But... but didn't you lose yourself in the change?"
"No. I found reality. MY reality. I discovered the joy of death, of blood flowing over my fingers as screams echo in my ears. The ecstacy it brought to my body and soul. Pain had always been pleasant, but it became the only thing I had left. For ten years, I buried myself in my pain, filling myself with it, drowning in it, until I knew the pain better than anything else. It comforted me." Xelloss's eyes were smiling in rememberance. "It let me find a haven where nothing could bother me. And when I came out to visit the world, I wanted my family to discover the darker side the pain promised to deliver to them."
"You killed them."
The smile turned on Zelgadis. "The same way they killed Xer-chan. A slow pull. Each seperate piece coming apart as well as it fits together. With Xer, I had light to dance with and darkness to doze with, but when he was gone, the darkness woke up. The light was fine, but it was gone, so everyone should have known the darkness."
Zelgadis felt, in the 'Xelloss' he was connected to, delight, joy, hatred... loneliness. "But they were gone... didn't you find the light again?"
"I thought so, for a little while. The old man gave me books. I grew on them. They were wonderous, telling me stories, truth, lies. Telling me how to hide and be out in the open at the same time. I wanted more, and perhaps if he let me see his special books, I would have let myself equally open to light and darkness. But he didn't. He whipped me, with a whip that left scars, in places people wouldn't casually see. I felt the pain and loved it but hated him. He had no right to do that to me. I saved the books, but they no longer meant anything."
It was all Zelgadis could do not to scream. He felt the fascination, wonder... briefly, happiness... then searing agony/pleasure, and Xelloss's frustration in hating both, wanting both, needing to be left alone but not given it. He pulled his knees to his chest to hide the reaction his body was making that Xelloss's body had also made... but then, Xelloss hadn't been able to hide that shame. "So," Zelgadis said huskily. "You were dealt a terrible hand. But..."
"But it didn't matter, you see. I lost hope at that point. I sometimes felt it again, whenever I made what I thought was a friend, whenever a lover kissed me. But it was a lie. They never wanted me, just the power I had discovered in those ten years long ago. Wanted influence, to brag that they'd slept with the cursed Xelloss. It was too much, and I hated them all." The chimera was struck with another of Xelloss's rememberances. Eyes smiling up at him from a soft bed, giving away to an ecstacy like/unlike the pain. Then hearing them bragging when they didn't know he was there. The casual questions about the power level he had. Their screams as they were punished for their attitude. His own/Xelloss's laughter ringing but not drowning out the screams. Zelgadis suddenly realized what it had cost Xelloss to try to become friends with them.
Xelloss suddenly smiled again, and the memories holding Zelgadis faded. "Then Metallium-sama found me. She gave me a purpose. She actually respected me." Happiness. Hope. "If I had started there, I might not be what makes you all so frightened. But I wouldn't have started there then. It's too late now for the scars to go away: that's what makes them scars. I am what I am and if none of you can accept that, then none of you will ever truly know me. You can't expect me to stop being what I am just because I told you this."
Zelgadis shook his head. "No... no. I can't. You are this way because you were formed this way. That's the truth. People don't change when their circumstances don't warrent it. But I wonder..."
The trickster wagged a finger in front of Zelgadis's face. "Ah ah ah. I answered a question of yours, now you answer one of mine."
The chimera nodded. After that, it was only fair. "Ok. What is it?"
"Why don't you love Amelia? She does love you."
Zelgadis buried his face in his hands. "I know she does. But... but I don't love her like a lover. Like a husband. If anything, I love her like she were my sister. I watch out for her, care about her, would indeed sacrifice myself for her, but anything romantic I simply could not do. It would just be wrong. I... I love her like you loved Xerinier."
Anger came across the bond, anger at the comparison, then reluctant agreement. "Then I could see the difficulties there."
Zelgadis lowered his eyes and nodded.
"I believe you had another question to ask?"
"Right." He looked up again. "Do you ever want more? That light back again? Someone who loves you for yourself?"
Xelloss sighed, and a wistful longing came to Zelgadis. "There's nothing I want so much. That's why I kept trying and losing. But I know that nobody can love me. I'll never feel that light again so I must satisfy myself with the darkness. Just the darkness. As it is..." A clench in his chest. "As it is, I'm so lucky to even have a few people who think of me as a friend. Who'd miss me if I die, and not for my usefulness. People like you, even if you hate me as well."
"I don't hate you."
"You don't?" Barely smothered hope. "That's good. More than I ever expected from this millenium."
"I would never have agreed to this if I hated you." Zelgadis felt his lips curve up in a smile, something he hadn't done in a long time.
Xelloss stared, and Zelgadis felt his astonishment/delight/amusement. "You're smiling! Perhaps the gods themselves have taken a hand in this conversation!"
Zelgadis scowled again. "Go to hell, Mazoku," he snarled, but made sure that the real like made it across the bond.
"Been there. Done that," Xelloss smiled. "So, a question..."
"Hm?"
"Are you scaled all over, or just your face?" [12]
Zelgadis slammed his fist into Xelloss's face.
And gasped for air as he felt exactly what Xelloss felt whenever he did that, instead of the minor bits his own Mazoku nature picked up. A moan escaped from his throat.
"Surprised?" Xelloss smiled. "But you must answer the question, you know."
"...All over," Zelgadis answered shortly, trying to catch his breath. "Part of the curse."
"Must be interesting."
"Not the word I'd use." When he looked up at Xelloss again, he saw that he was smiling a REAL smile, not the one he showed to the world... an honest smile. "I... there's another secret I'd like to tell you."
"What a day this is," Xelloss said, shaking his head. "Actually volunteering to tell me things. What is it?"
Zelgadis looked around, and moved a finger in a come nearer motion. Xelloss obliged.
"I - " Zelgadis said and gave up on words, merely taking Xelloss's face in his hands and covering the Mazoku's lips with his own.
Surprise/astonishment/need/hope/nonothope...
Experimentally, trying to see how Xelloss would react, Zelgadis ran his tongue over the Mazoku's lips.
hope/need/fear
The Mazoku gasped and pulled away, eyes wide, face showing all his emotions for once. A hand wandered up to brush against his lips, and then he shook his head as he phazed out.
Zelgadis let out a sudden surprised huff of air. What possessed me to do THAT?! he wondered.
"I FOUND YOU, YOU UNCARING BASTARD!!!"
I mean... ok, maybe I do like him. Maybe I truly understand him now. But do I love him?
"HOW CAN YOU DARE TO DO THAT TO AMELIA!"
"Yeah, she's just a little girl!"
Love. A Mazoku. Xelloss. Do I? Do I love him?
"Pay attention! WE'RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS FROM HERE TO SAIRUUN!"
Yes. I think I do. Gods.
Isn't that Lina and Gourry? What are they ranting about?
Zelgadis's eyes widened as he took in what they were saying... what they had obviously assumed. And who had made them assume that.
"XELLOSS!" He yelled. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"Both the stars that fall mysteriously and the cold wind...
Secretly, nature conveys an important message.
Someday shalalala lala
I want to whisper privately to you the secret that I have hidden...
I will always stay with you and look after you from behind."
Sitting back on the roof of the inn, Xelloss raised a quavering hand to touch his lips. Shabrinigido-sama... he was shaking. He hadn't shaken for years.
And the most frightening of all, The bond had told Xelloss that he had meant it. He had meant the kiss perfectly honestly.
Had he found some way to get around the staff's binding? To fake such a message?
He couldn't have!! He didn't even know how the staff worked.
Xelloss clutched his knees to his chest. Oh, he'd wanted Zelgadis for a long time, had planned how to seduce him and then torture him, listen to his screams... but somehow, the plan had gotten turned around.
Now Xelloss was being seduced. And he knew it.
You'll only hurt more, he warned himself.
And yet... he wanted so badly to love... to be loved...
"I can see the dream, but what does "today" mean?
You should understand, again, that it encourages me!"
Zelgadis fell back against on the grass with a sigh, staring at the stars. He'd finally managed to convince the others that he hadn't 'taken advantage of' Amelia. Fortunately, they were all used enough to Xelloss's tricks that they'd believed him over the Mazoku. A smile crossed Zelgadis's lips and disappeared.
Xelloss. Why?
Why him?
Was there any reason? Other than he finally understood?
The chimera closed his eyes, sighing. Whatever the reason, he couldn't deny that he...
"Hey, there, stranger!" A fingernail pinged off one of the scales on Zelgadis's chin. He opened his eye to glare balefully at the smiling Mazoku.
"Xelloss." He shut his eye again. "I'm surprised that you showed your face back here again after..."
"...after?" Xelloss questioned.
"After you set the others on me with news that I raped Amelia."
The trickster priest put a hand to his heart and recoiled. "Me? I'm shocked! Would I ever do such a thing?!"
"Yes."
Xelloss nodded. "Glad you know that. But they merely took the wrong impression. I never actually said the word rape."
Zelgadis opened his eyes. "You really can be a bastard. Didn't you think about Amelia's feelings?" [13]
"Well, no. Should I have?"
The chimera sighed again. "Yes, but I could hardly expect it of you."
Laughing, the Mazoku slapped Zelgadis's chest, injuring his hand. "Don't worry, I didn't imply it in front of her and the others will be too embarrassed to tell her. She'll never know! And the embarrassment serves them right for doubting you."
"Hmm."
"So." Xelloss lay back beside Zelgadis. "Nice night."
"Hmm."
"Why DID you research me?"
Zelgadis shrugged. "Just wanted to know."
"'S that all?" Xelloss rolled onto an elbow to look at the chimera.
"At the time, I believed so."
"Mm." With avid curiousity, the Mazoku started pinging Zelgadis's scales again. "You're sweet, Zel."
Zelgadis's eyes widened. "Nobody's called me that for a long time."
"What, sweet?"
"No, 'Zel'. Just Zelgadis. Mother used to, but she.... oh, well, that was a long time ago."
"It offends you, then, Zelgadis?"
"No... it's kind of nice." Zelgadis's eyes closed again, but he snapped them open as Xelloss went back to pinging his scales. "Will you cut that out?"
Xelloss didn't answer. "They're so hard. Can you feel anything through them?"
"Yeah. I think Rezo did it just to torture me. So people could attack me and I'd feel the pain but it wouldn't kill me."
The Mazoku reversed his finger and ran the nail down one, hard. "Is pain that bad?"
Jerking back involuntarily, Zelgadis swatted at his finger. "Back then, the pain of living was as bad as it could ever get."
"Tried to kill yourself?"
"..."
"I just want to know because I'm a rotten bastard at heart."
"Bite me," Zelgadis snarled.
Grinning, the Mazoku buried his teeth in Zelgadis's shoulder.
The chimera gasped, blushing suddenly. "You jerk! I didn't mean it literally!!"
"Oh? Well, I did chip a tooth." Xelloss ran his fingers over the rend in the chimera's shirt. "That's not what I felt through the staff, though."
"YOU KEPT THE SPELL ON?! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULD REMOVE IT!"
"Yeah, I just didn't."
Zelgadis narrowed his eyes at the smiling priest. "Why. Not."
Xelloss's smile widened even more. "I sort of like feeling you all the time."
"Wh - what?"
"Just... knowing you're there. Does wonders for the sanity."
"I keep you sane?" Zelgadis wondered.
"No. The opposite."
The shaman blinked, then scowled.
Smiling, Xelloss lay his staff between them and started pinging the chimera's scales again "Don't frown. Your face will freeze that way."
"Do you mind?" The pinging was really getting to Zelgadis now. Xelloss was so close, only handsbredths away, and he was finding it hard to think. "So you're keeping this staff's spell on?" He reached to rest a finger on the red stone.
"NO! DON'T TOUCH I - " t! he's feeling this, I know he is! He feels my uncertainty/lust/fear/... I can't keep it from him, no matter what I do... no shields, nothing... I can't keep him out, I can't...
Xelloss? Zelgadis said/thought.
and he's burning too... I haven't burned like this for so many centuries.. Sorry, Zel, I should have warned you that with the spell on, when you touch it we're bound even tighter.
I can't stop it?
Only if you take your hand off -
Figuring out, as if from far away, how to operate his body, Zelgadis removed his finger, breaking the intense mind contact.
They stared at each other. "Well," Zelgadis said.
"Indeed," Xelloss agreed. [14]
They stared at each other.
Wind whooshed. [15]
Really, Zelgadis thought, his eyes aren't that scary. Even if they are Mazoku eyes.
They stared at each other. [16]
Quite possibly, Zelgadis realized, we'll be sitting here until morning if somebody doesn't do something.
Xelloss did something.
He blinked. "Um."
"I didn't mean..."
"It's alright if..."
They both paused awkwardly. "You go first!" They said together. [17]
The Mazoku coughed, and the coughing turned into laughter. Zelgadis found himself smiling, a dry chuckle escaping. L-sama, they must look so stupid... looking down, he blushed, and felt a wave of desire rush through Xelloss to him. [18]
And Xelloss's lips were pushing against him, his body pushing against the chimera's, hands grasping at him roughly, almost painfully, hurting but not hurting. Zelgadis moaned against the Mazoku's mouth as Xelloss ran his nails along his chest through his shirt.
Xelloss pushed back slightly. "You always wear so many clothes," he complained, then solved the problem by utilizing some of his Mazoku strength to tear the shirt open.
"Hey, wait!" Zelgadis protested. "These are the only clothes I have!"
"Get more. Grey doesn't suit you anyways," Xelloss smiled.
Xelloss leaned back on his heels, giving Zelgadis time to gasp for air as he undid the clasp of his cloak, letting it slide to the ground. His shirt was next, hurriedly untucked and tossed to one side. He sat there for a moment, clad only in his silk pants, then leaned in to kiss Zelgadis again, almost gently this time.
Okay, Zelgadis thought, I can get a new shirt. He ripped the rest off himself, then lay back to let Xelloss's hands roam for awhile. L-sama...
Xelloss started to slide his leg over Zelgadis's body, then froze suddenly. From the staff, the chimera felt a kind of shockwave travel fast through Xelloss.
The trickster priest pulled back and Zelgadis moaned in protest. "I'm sorry," the Mazoku whispered, distressed smile on his face. "There's nothing I can say but really, really bad timing."
Then he was gone, teleported away. [19]
Zelgadis sat up, frustrated and alone. "You bastard! What am I supposed to do now?!"
"Everyone shalalala lala
And continue our respective journeys under the same sun
I will always stay with you and look after you from behind.
Someday shalalala lala
I want to whisper privately to you the secret that I have hidden...
I will always stay with you and look after you from behind."
Xellos levitated in front of his master. "Xellas-sama," he said as calmly as he could, tightening the fastenings on his pants, "you changed the reception area."
The Beastmaster chuckled, the sound obscene coming from her many-tentacled body. "The lava was beginning to bore me. Phosphorus caves are in, don't you know?" [20]
"I like it. You could have done much worse."
"Such as?"
"Oh, fuschia. Such a terrible colour." [21]
Again, a chuckle. "I'm glad you approve, Xellos. I'm sorry to have called you away at such an inopportune time."
He smiled gallantly at her. "Ah, but for my one true love, I'd come at any time."
Her body moved in her equivilant of an amused bow. "Dear sir." Yet again, the monsterous chuckle. "But really, Xelloss, a chimera? You could have done better."
Xelloss's smile faded down to a shadow. "Oh? Perhaps. Perhaps not."
"You contradict me?"
"No, I merely say that decisions were made, and were they not, who would say what might have happened. At any rate, I'm here now. What did you want me for?"
"Xelloss, would you agree that Lina has not yet utilized her full power, even when she has used the Giga Slave?"
"Yes, Xellas-sama, though she prevented Shabrinigido-sama's rebirth, she has not found her limit yet."
"And you keep saying this. Is it possible you are wrong?"
Xelloss shrugged. "Miracles can happen."
"So sure of yourself. Lina's sister is the Dragon's knight, the knight of Cepheed, is she not?"
"Yes. Luna Inverse is the Dragon Knight." He smiled. "The Lina-spooker. Lina is the Dragon-spooker [22], bringing it full circle."
The Beastmaster shifted in her spot. "Not quite full circle. Have you ever wondered who the Knight of Mazoku is?"
Xelloss's eyes widened. "You believe that Lina-san is the Knight of Shabrinigido?"
"I believe that it is a great possibility."
"Wouldn't Shabrinigido-sama be displeased, considering she prevented his rebirth?" Xelloss wondered.
"No ... why do you think I sent you to watch her? He was intrigued by her power."
"I see. And you want to prove that she is the Knight to gain Shabrinigido-sama's good will. What do you wish me to do?"
The Beastmaster smiled. "I want you to kidnap one of her friends."
"I beg your pardon?" Xelloss couldn't possibly have heard what he thought he had heard. No, wait, this was his master he was talking to. He probably had. "Which one?"
"I'll leave it up to your good judgement. You did say that the thing Lina valued above anything else was her friends?"
"Indeed," Xelloss agreed. "Anyone she calls a friend, she will do anything to rescue. Quite possibly even me."
She chuckled. "A lot to learn, perhaps, but nevertheless powerful. I'll trust you to make a decision that will satisfy both you and me."
Xelloss smiled his true smile. "I fully intend to."
Lina sat on the edge of Amelia's bed. "Amelia? How are you?"
"Lina?"
"Yeah?"
"It doesn't matter." Amelia smiled shakily. "It just doesn't matter."
Lina stroked the little girl's hair. "Of course it matters, Amelia."
"No... nothing can change it now. Everything is decided." She shook off Lina's hand. "It's okay, really. Things are as good as they can be. It's just that I understand now."
"Amelia..."
"I understand." She burst into tears.
"Where, where now should I keep living?
This straight path is so boring...
Dusty, dusty paths, I'll cut my own
Inside my thoughts, wounds become strength
I walk on, tomorrow..."
Xelloss teleported back to his original location where Zelgadis lay, very still. "Ne, Zel?" For a minute, he thought Zelgadis was asleep. Then...
"You're back."
"Mm-hmm."
"Go away."
The Mazoku sat down next to Zelgadis. "You don't mean that. It's not MY fault that I've got a higher up I have to answer to who has a really bad sense of timing." He hoped Xellas-sama would forgive him that one tiny slight.
"Go. Away."
"You think I WANTED to go? If I hadn't, Xellas-sama would have not only punished me, but whatever was keeping me."
"So?"
Xelloss lay down and draped an arm over his chimera. "Now you're just sulking."
"I am not," Zelgadis said sulkily.
"Wanna try again?"
"No."
"Mind if I kidnap you?"
"Not funny."
"Not a joke." Xelloss smiled down at Zelgadis. "I am completely serious."
Zelgadis turned over. "Okay, you. Explain."
Notes
1 - Quote from "Secret: Somebody's message", Xel's TRY image song.
2 - This is actually a name of a town in an original fiction of mine, but I'm dimensionally challenged.
3 - This is a quote from Zel's image song, "We Are"
4 - He's got those kawaii slit pupils that all Mazoku have.
5 - See "The Nature of Friendship"
6 - I am SO making all of this up.
7 - did he have one? Anyone know? I'd be glad for advice for revisions.
8 - I wonder why... ^_^
9 - Well, it's possible, since rumour has it people with magic don't age, and he's part Mazoku, and part golem... and his grandpa/great-grandpa is much older than that.
10 - Read the sentance again. Nothing incorrect about it. ^_^
11 - Tee hee!
12 - It keeps changing in all the pictures! Grr!
13 - Xel: No. Of course not.
14 - At this point, my pet SD Valgarv started scratching his head.
15 - Began to chuckle.
16 - Rolled on the floor giggling like a maniac.
17 - Began choking he was laughing so hard. (Meanwhile, my pet SD Zel and SD Xel were under a teacup trying to inspire me.)
18 - It worked.
19 - And the author somehow avoids a lemon. *Drowns in vengeful hentai tsunami*
20 - And, you know, bubbling caves of lava are so, like, yesterday!
21 - "However, I look good in blood-red dresses."
22 - Also spelled 'spoocr', for 'steps past out of clear revulsion'.
***************
Notes On Names
Xelloss can also be spelled 'Xellos' and 'Zeros' but I like 'Xelloss' better.
Xellas is the most common spelling of the Beastmaster's name, but also is spelled 'Zelas' and 'Xelas'.
Metallium also spelled Metallum.
You noticed that Xellas Metallium and Xelloss Metallium are strangely similar names? Which came first, the Dragon or the egg?
Valgarv: also Val Gaav.
Gaav: Also Garv.
Gourry: once badly missubbed Goudy.
Luna is Lina's sister. Surprise.
Shabrinigido: spelled so many ways it doesn't really matter anymore.
Cepheed: IS there another spelling?