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Once upon a time there was a Pretty Curvy Lady. And not just any Pretty Curvy Lady, a Pretty Curvy Incredably Powerful Mazoku Dark Lord Master of All She Surveys Call Her Juu-Ou-Sama Lady.
Upon the same time was a Secretly Unhappy Mazoku. And not just any Secretly Unhappy Mazoku, a Secretly Unhappy Fairly Powerful Drowning in Pain Psychopathic Trickster Cover it Up with Fun Stuff Call him Xelloss Mazoku.
It so happened that the Secretly Unhappy Mazoku was getting pretty famous among the Mazoku, what with killing, pillaging, burning, and playing random practical jokes. By pure coincidence and luck, it also happened that the Pretty Curvy Lady approved quite strongly of all of those virtues, especially the last. The Pretty Curvy Lady summoned her general to her, and as an after-thought, summoned her priest to her as well.
Now, the general of the Pretty Curvy Lady was kinda cute but really cowardly, and so the Pretty Curvy Lady was getting rather tired of him. The priest of the Pretty Curvy Lady was the general's other lover and was a sniveling jerk who wanted the Pretty Curvy Lady to keep her delicately manicured hands off the Cute and Cowardly General, which the Pretty Curvy Lady only did now simply to piss off the Sniveling Annoying Priest. So they both came before her and bowed down.
"What can I do for you, my lady?" asked the Cute and Cowardly General.
While the Pretty Curvy Lady's attention was apparently focused on him, the Sniveling Annoying Priest glared daggers at her, but the Pretty Curvy Lady saw the daggers and shot swords back at her, so the Sniveling Annoying Priest, as was her habit, bowed her head and sniveled. "We live but to serve my Lady Xelas," the Sniveling Annoying Priest said, making bo-bo number one, namely not referring to the Pretty Curvy Lady by Juu-Ou-sama when the Pretty Curvy Lady was rather annoyed at her anyway.
"I have a special assignment for you," the Pretty Curvy Lady told them, lips curling in a smile, half purring. She beckoned to the Cute and Cowardly General with a delicately manicured finger, and the Cute and Cowardly General came to her feet. She ran her hands through his hair.
"Both of us?" the Sniveling Annoying Priest asked, making her disapproval clear in her voice.
"Very much both of you," the Pretty Curvy Lady purred. "I am sending a message to someone, and it's worth both your lives that you get it to him."
The Cute and Cowardly General was clearly jealous. "Him? I mean... who is he, my lady Xelas?" he asked, committing bo-bo numbers two and three, again not calling her Juu-Ou-sama and also questioning the Pretty Curvy Lady's direct order.
"He is a Trickster Mazoku known as Xelloss," the Pretty Curvy Lady told them, blowing smoke from her Expensive Cigarette into the Cute and Cowardly General's face. "You may perhaps have heard of him."
The Sniveling Annoying Priest snorted. "He is merely a commoner, my lady. Surely you could send less important officials than us?" He there committed bo-bo number four, questioning her orders directly.
The Pretty Curvy Lady's smile darkened. "It is a very important mission." Offhandedly, she scribbled off a note and gave it to the Cute and Cowardly General, knowing he'd be too afraid to read it. "Find him and give it to him, than bring him back to me."
After the Cute and Cowardly General and the Sniveling Annoying Priest left, she took out a notebook and recorded the both of them in her Bad Books.
When the Sniveling Annoying Priest and the Cute and Cowardly General returned, the Pretty Curvy Lady had just gotten back from her morning exercise game of Chase the Innocent Tresspasser Around the Island and then Eat It. She smiled at them as they led the Secretly Unhappy Mazoku into the room, picking Innocent Tresspasser out of her teeth. "That took less time than expected."
"With us on the job," the Sniveling Annoying Priest sniffed, "of course that was the case."
"I live but to serve my Lady," the Cute and Cowardly General added.
The Secretly Unhappy Mazoku looked around the room. "Nice decor," he said approvingly, talking to the Pretty Curvy Lady on a nearly equal level. "Design the Lava Pits yourself?"
She chuckled, finding herself liking the Secretly Unhappy Mazoku already. "No, I got an Innocent Tresspasser to do it. First person to use them, too."
He chuckled. "Good method, my Lady Juu-Ou-sama. What did you summon me for?" He knelt and kissed the back of her hand, raising his eyes to hers, sparkling with Dark Humour.
"It so happens that there are positions among my people that need filling," the Pretty Curvy Lady told him, having decided already to Keep This One. "I heard of you and thought you would be a good person to fill it."
The Secretly Unhappy Mazoku remained kneeling. "Sounds interesting. Are they fun jobs?"
"Oh, very," the Pretty Curvy Lady informed him, smiling. "And most of the fun is what you bring to it. I would have you run missions for me, and so gain some of my power."
She saw him Weighing his Options. His eyes sparkled and his near-perminant grin widened. "Sounds good. When do I start and what are the positions?"
"You start now," she told him. "From now on, we play a game of 'Xelas Says'." As she met his eyes, she saw he understood that she was giving him permission to address her as such. "And the positions are my General and Priest."
The Cute and Cowardly General turned a pale greenish colour and started stammering excuses, and the Sniveling Annoying Priest's eyes bugged out. "My lady! Surely you are joking? WE fill those positions!"
The Pretty Curvy Lady smiled darkly and pulled her power back from them. "Call me Juu-Ou- sama," she commanded them, then turned to face the Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku. "Xelas says sit at my feet."
Grinning widely, the Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku plopped himself down at her feet. The Pretty Curvy Lady tilted his face upward. "Xelas says open your mouth and receive my power."
Obediently, he opened his mouth and the Pretty Curvy Lady covered his lips with her own, mostly just transferring her regained power of General and Priest onto him but also stealing a kiss while she was at it. As the full power filled him she licked at his lips one more time than sat back in her seat, lighting another Expensive Cigarette. "Xelas says kill the Sniveling Annoying Ex-Priest."
The Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku rose, smiling, and walked toward the Sniveling Annoying Ex-Priest. Raising his staff (the Pretty Curvy Lady noticed it was a Sad Low-Power Staff and she should send him on a mission soon to get him a Happy High-Power Staff) he loomed over the Sniveling Annoying Ex-Priest.
"Don't kill me!" the Sniveling Annoying Ex-Priest begged, throwing caution to the winds. "I'll do anything! Anything you ask!!"
The Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku's dark smile widened. "Xelas says," he told the Sniveling Annoying Ex-Priest, wagging one finger in a no-no, then brought his Sad Low-Power Staff down again and again, driving it into the Sniveling Annoying Ex-Priest's body and focusing his power through it.
The Cute and Cowardly Ex-General yelped and scrambled for the cave mouth, but a wave of the Pretty Curvy Lady's hand held him in place. "Go over there and jump the Cute and Cowardly Ex-General something good for my entertainment," she told the Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku.
The Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku gave her a weird look, then stepped over the Crispy No-Longer-Sniveling and-a-Lot-Less-Annoying Ex-Priest's Dead Body, moving towards the Cute and Cowardly Ex-General.
"Aha!" the Pretty Curvy Lady crowed, bursting into laughter, "Xelas didn't say!"
The Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku slapped his forehead. "Yare, yare."
"Xelas says KILL the Cute and Cowardly Ex-General!"
The Highly Amused Secretly Unhappy Mazoku thought about this, examined his Sad Low-Power Staff and then tossed it to the side where it bounced off the Crispy No-Longer-Sniveling and-a-Lot-Less-Annoying Ex-Priest's Dead Body. Hands lighting up with pure power, he advanced towards the Cute and Cowardly Ex-General, laughing darkly.
From that day forward, the Pretty Curvy Lady was a good master to the Highly Amused Not AS Secretly Unhappy Mazoku. They played such games as 'Fetch My Expensive Cigarettes', 'Play Tricks On Helpless Passerbys', 'Kill the Stupid Ryuzoku', and, of course, 'Chase the Innocent Tresspasser Around the Island and then Eat It' and 'Xelas Says'. In fact, the Highly Amused Not AS Secretly Unhappy Mazoku had his life changed permantly during a game of 'Xelas Says' when Xelas said 'Go watch a girl called Lina Inverse'. His meeting with the Fiery-Tempered Sorceress Lina Inverse not only introduced him to her, but also to the Justice Freak, the Quiet Adoring Priestess, the Boy-Crazy Vengeful Princess, the Dumb Swordsman of Light, and, of course, the Depressive Chimera. It was the last that would lead the Highly Amused Not AS Secretly Unhappy Mazoku to become merely a Highly Amused Mazoku who wasn't unhappy at all anymore. The Pretty Curvy Lady not only Approved Strongly of this because 1) the Highly Amused Not AS Secretly Unhappy Mazoku hadn't been getting any for almost a millenium and this made him get Very Grumpy at times, but also because 2) she had ended up genuinely LIKING the Highly Amused Not AS Secretly Unhappy Mazoku and, besides, he was more fun to be around when he wasn't Secretly Unhappy.
But that is Another Story, from a Much More Depressive If Occassionally Humourous Storyline.
Theeeeee Eeeeeeend.
Author's Notes
Harukami: And wasn't that a nice bedtime story?
Zelgadis: If you want to give people nightmares...
Xelloss: I liked it. ^_^
Zelgadis: You would. to Harukami And do you mind getting off my chest?
Harukami: But if I do you'll leave. And it was hard enough for me to get you into bed with Xelloss as it was.
Zelgadis: Get off or I throw you off and kill you. Right now.
Harukami: Touch-y.
Xelloss: Don't worry, 'Kami-chan. He's not going anywhere.
Harukami: He's not?
Zelgadis: I'm not?!
Xelloss: Nope. ^_^
Harukami: cautiously floats off of Zelgadis's chest and watches the chimera struggle but be unable to leave the bed Ne, Xel, how'd you manage that? remembering that this might be a trick that the Priest could teach her, she corrects herself Xelloss-dono.
Zelgadis: Damn it! Why?! something rattles under the bedsheets
Xelloss: Elementary, my dear Harukami. You see, I carry this length of chain with me. While you were reading the story, Zelgadis was highly distracted by a) trying to learn my past since you wrote him with that character and b) trying to figure out all the different capitals you put on things. During this time I was secretly warming the chain to make it less noticable against his skin. At the exciting moments, I took advantage of the situation to grope him, and when he was absorbed enough in the story to merely swat at my wandering hands instead of trying to strangle me, I slid the warm chain around him under the guise of copping another feel. I then padlocked him to the bed post.
Harukami: hurriedly scribbling notes Wow. That's amazing, Xelloss-dono!
Zelgadis: struggling AUGH! GODDAMNED MAZOKU!
Xelloss: That's Highly Amused Mazoku to you. sits up, sheets pooling at his thighs and revealing more than Harukami wanted to see Now, my dear Depressive Chimera...
Zelgadis: o.0 starts struggling again HELP!
Harukami: I should leave, then. heads for the door, pausing to push the knot of wood that is actually the button to activate the secret hidden video camera Have a nice night!
Zelgadis: DAMN YOU!
Xelloss: Say that again, louder. I want you to shout.
Harukami: shuts door behind her, then goes out to buy popcorn for later I wonder if I can sell this one with my Bellydancing Xelloss video to Xelas-sama...