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here exists an unholy place. A place where the soil is burned black, the only plants that grow there twisted weeds, thorned with a thousand poisons. Ravenous mutant animals and horrible monsters roam, searching the rocky, blasted lands for fresh meat to rend and feast upon. Every village a hive of the most amoral beasts known to man, every city seething with sinful greed and avarice, where the blood flows as red as wine, the purest death, the ultimate evil. A place whose very existence is affront to sanity.
Then there's Evilania.
There are a lot of similarities, actually. The land is blasted and scorched, although this is regularly maintained by the Department of Groundskeeping in the Evilanian government, a team of black sorcerers that make regular sweeps over the land to destroy anything green and growing to keep this image up. Despite efforts, however, the occasional cheerfully colored daisy does grow here, or maybe the odd patch of grass. Chipmunks also abound.
Plenty of monsters and horrible terrors roam the land in search of blood, but they're creations of various mad scientists and wizards operating on huge research grants. Industry competition runs wild, to make something that's scarier than the nightmarish ghoul that your fellow thaumatigist is coming up with. More often than not these monsters are given vicious claws, sixteen eyes, large tentacles and so on, but when they get out in the open to roam and devour the tourists, they tend to die out due to lack of food thanks to the Groundskeepers annihilating any fertile land the country might've had. The few that survive have adapted to a steady diet of chipmunk.
But let it never be said that Evilanians themselves aren't vicious, nasty, sadistic bastards. If there's one thing you can count on, it's your average Evilanian being exactly what you'd expect a villainous duplicitous lustful greedy slovenly proud wrathful envious gluttonous jerk to be. Exactly what you'd expect.
Upon arriving at the somewhat scary looking border checkpoint, where the grass stopped being green and abundant and looked more brown and crunchy, Lina hadn't fully realized what to expect out of Evilania. But she learned fast.
The border policeman on duty, in his mirrored glasses (there are some staples ALL cops need to maintain, regardless of place in the time/space continuum), black riding leathers and big shiny badge looked at Lina suspiciously.
"You don't LOOK like Evilanian material," he said. "We don't want YOUR kind here. You're probably some do-gooder, like a princess or a bandit hunter."
"Gosh, how'd you gue-- Ow!"
Lina retracted her elbow from Gourry's ribs. "We're very evil. Very much so. And look, we've got signed papers saying we can get in, straight from the Evilanian embassy in Las Sailoon! See? See?"
The cop took their passports, examining. "How do I know these aren't forged?"
"They are NOT forged! That's an authentic signature and watermark, see?"
"So you're trying to get into our borders using legitimate channels of official permission, is that it?" the cop asked.
"Yes! That's what I'm trying to say, we--"
"Feh," he said, and spat on the ground to emphasize. "Pathetic. Always obeying the rules, these goody goodies. Turn around and go home."
Lina turned purple. She waved her arms around in wild frustration. "We are not GOODY GOODIES!! WE--"
A slender, leather-gloved hand blocked Lina. A figure wearing spiky black bikini armor attached to the hand leaned out of her coach window.
"I'll handle this," she asserted. "Sir? You see that border patrol building over that-a-way?"
The cop turned. "What about it?"
BOOM.
Flaming bits of wood rained down around the coach, along with a shower of flaming paperwork in triplicate. The cop looked at the large crater that wasn't there five seconds ago, then turned back to Naga.
"Welcome to Evilania!!" he said, enthusiastically.
The Edge of Sanity (population 317) was a rather nice village, all in all, even if it was comprised entirely of gothic stonework and spires and gargoyles looming over every corner. Even the outhouses had ornate stonework and carvings of evil symbols.
"Fun town," Lina said, watching the buildings as Gourry navigated the coach down main street.
"How STYLISH!!" Naga said, clasping her hands to her considerable bosom with stars in her eyes. "At long last, I've met a culture with as much taste in decoration as I, Naga the White Serpent!"
"Oh, you'll fit right in here," Lina said, sitting back in her seat. "I've never seen so much black leather before! And in the middle of summer. This place must smell like a slaughterhouse in the noon sun."
"A small price you pay for glamour," Naga said, primping her hair a little. "If anybody is out of place here, it's you, Lina. And that nice patrolman picked up on it immediately."
"Who cares? We're not planning on staying long," Lina said, giving a shrug. "Once we find the location of the Great Library, we're out of here. I--"
The coach veered left sharply, tossing Lina around like a rubber ball. A horserider on the other side of the street shot by at full gallop, having narrowly missed a collision.
"Sorry!!!" Gourry called, from the driver's perch.
"...anyway," Lina continued, orienting herself, "We've been traveling all day. I for one could use a warm bath, a big dinner and a soft b--"
The coach lurched again, escaping certain doom as another horse-drawn buggy shot by them on the right.
"Sorry, my fault!" Gourry yelled.
"Crazy drivers," Lina muttered. "I--"
The coach slammed on the equine-driven brakes, dumping Lina on the floor.
"WHAT is going on?!!" she protested.
"Looks like... police," Naga said, leaning out the window.
Lina kicked open the door in frustration, stomping out in a huff to meet the mounted city watchman, with Naga in tow. The leather-wearing guy who had a sword almost as big as himself was busy addressing Gourry.
"What's the meaning of this??" he asked, in annoyed tones. "Do you call that appropriate driving behavior, mister?"
"I'm sorry, officer," Gourry apologized. "But those guys were going so fast, and weren't moving out of our way, so I had to--"
"You deliberately and quite premeditatively got out of the way, and then apologized in the third degree," the cop said, whipping out a little notebook. "I'm going to have to write you up for Politeness."
"Politeness?!!" Lina asked.
"The least you could have done was throw an insult at them, or perhaps even a challenge to a duel. Drag racing or swords, it doesn't matter," the policeman said. "I'll give you a malicious warning now. Shape up or we'll tar and feather and draw and quarter and hang you. In that order."
"Uhh..." Gourry said, not quite sure how to respond. "Thank you, officer."
The cop eyed him sharply.
"He meant 'piss off,'" Lina interjected.
"That's better," the cop nodded, turning his horse around and trotting off.
Gourry scratched his head. "I don't get it... did I break a law or something?"
"I'm allergic to tar," Lina said, drawing the next logical conclusion. "And I like my neck the length it is. I think we're going to need to make a few adjustments before we continue. Any suggestions?"
A slow, wicked smile spread over Naga's lips. "I have one..."
Gourry sat in dumb confusion as the curtain in front of the changing booth shook and bulged.
"I'm NOT putting that on!"
"OOHOOHOHOO!! Lina, Lina! It's the only way!"
"Aaaa!! Get away from me with that thing-- HEY!"
"Now now, hold still-- ow! Don't kick!"
"Mmfpfmf!"
"No biting, either! There. Now, go take a look in the mirror."
"Are you crazy? I'm not going out there like this!"
Given a healthy shove by Naga, Lina emerged from the curtain, pinwheeling her arms to stop her momentum.
Gourry looked up, then his jaw made a resounding THUNK against the floor in shock.
Lina did her best to tug the black cape around her, but there was no escaping the harsh reality of skimpy leather clothing. There's just something about an almost form fitting two piece set of armor, regardless of what it's hanging on, that attracts attention. The skull adornments and leather boots also added to the general effect.
"Wow!" Gourry said. "Naga, you shrank and got red hair!"
Lina immediately smashed Gourry with the bench he was sitting on. "NO commentary! None at all or I'll hit you! Got it?!"
"...but you just did..." Gourry weakly said.
Naga strode out of the changing room, in a highly similar outfit; except hers was one she had on to begin with, and Lina's was fresh off the bargain rack at CLOTHES TO DIE FOR.
"It's so choice," she smiled. "You'll fit RIGHT in here, Lina!"
"I don't want to fit in!" Lina complained, keeping her cloak wrapped up tight. "Of all of the settings and scenarios I could possibly chose to mimic, Evilania ranks somewhere below.. below... well, it's very far below whatever it is!!"
"I suppose if you and Gourry want to be arrested for being too 'nice' for this town, I could go on ahead, get the Mirror Lores and bail you out of jail on the way home," Naga smiled. "Otherwise, it's makeover time for both of you. Gourry, you're next."
"Huh?" Gourry asked, from the floor.
"Oooooh," Lina said, getting a wicked smile. "That's right. If anything, he's in more danger than me..."
"But I like my armor," Gourry protested. "It was given to me by my uncle Horace. He wore it in the Testabourne-Gilskipprof Minor Police Action! It's an heirloom!"
"Then we'll put it in storage somewhere," Lina said. "Now, I think a leather loincloth and chain mail are more your speed, don't you, Naga?..."
There are many disreputable hell holes / watering holes in Evilania. Places with interesting, unidentifiable stains. Places with many grooves cut into the wall behind the stage where lounge singers croon; left there by double headed throwing axes, arrows, and various forms of the basic knife. These are bars where bad dudes go to smash glasses of ale over each other's heads and break things. (Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name... because it's on the most wanted list.)
And off in the corner of the bad part of town -- keeping in mind that every part of town is the bad part of town -- is a small tavern called Al's Drinks. Here, patrons sit quietly and don't bother each other, taking five for a quiet drink. There aren't any fights, any open arguments. Any voices there are used in low whispers, because this is where the true criminal element hides, folks who aren't interested in drawing any attention or showboating because they're too damn busy making money in an illegal fashion. Anybody who breaks this silently understood edict of behavior is silenced, with methods very sharp, to the point and cutting in rhetoric, in a manner of not speaking.
The bartender (who was actually named Al) busily sharpened a knife, the basic sign that someone is overstepping the bounds, but the Goon didn't catch on.
"If they're in this bloody town, we should be storming over there and slaughtering the whole fat lot of them!" he said at improper decibels. "We need to ACT! We don't need any cowardly bandits, we've got your weapon and my girl. Right, Lil?"
The white sorceress sitting by his side nodded, slowly. 'hai,' she spoke.
A short figure in a torn cape slumped at the bar, nursing a drink. She realized right away what the place was, seeing it as an ideal spot to lay low while she thought about what to do next, because she wasn't really sure what to do next. In fact, the idea of thinking things through only surfaced in her thoughts by shoving its way to the forefront, through a crowded set of mental screams and yammerings. She grasped the fact that the Goon was saying something inconsequential, and figured a reply was in order of some kind.
"I haven't had a real drink in a long time," she said, running a finger along the circular rim of her (clean) glass. "Do you think it would help?"
"What?" the Goon asked. "Girl, make some sense, okay? Gourry and those bitches are in TOWN! Let's--"
The white-haired girl smashed the glass against the Goon's head, shattering it, and knocking him off his stool. Lily immediately moved to his side, white light glowing on her hands to heal the cuts before they had even finished opening.
"Shut up," the girl who was Lina said. "I know sixty ways to make you shut up if you won't. Let me think."
The Goon growled angrily, getting to his feet quickly. "Stupid, psychotic little... you had time to think during the whole ride up here. They've stopped moving, now's the time. What's your PLAN?"
"Plan?" Lina asked. "I don't know. I know, I know what I think I'll do, but I don't have a plan. Why are you complaining? I'm paying you."
"Yeah, where's this big money you keep promising?" the Goon asked. "You said three days ago that I'd get paid yesterday. Maybe you're just a lying little cheat of a girl, huh?"
Lina paused. She didn't even breathe.
Then she turned to the Goon, smiling.
"You know, you're right," she agreed. "You should get what's coming to you. Let's go."
The hired help's mood improved considerably, accepting this on face value. "That's more like it! Lily, let's roll."
"Just you," Lina said. "I just need you."
The Goon paused on the brink of suspicion. However, he figured, despite how strange this girl was, she WAS still only a girl. And he didn't NEED Lily around to support him, after all, he could stand tall on his own two feet without one of 'em to hold him up, right? Right.
"Lily, go get some supplies or something," the Goon said, waving his hand dismissively. "I've got business to attend to."
"But--" Lily started.
Sharp glare.
'hai,' she nodded.
In the end, they went with a sort of combination between leather armor decorated in chains and mesh and a set of blood red boots and gloves. Gourry looked absolutely menacing, a walking vision of sheer malice, except for the fact that he had a cheerfully ignorant expression on his face and golden blonde hair.
First step was to apply a hair dye, staining Gourry's glowing locks a dull black. Naga also suggested Lina adjust her brightly decorative red/orange with a white dye.
"I'll take black too," Lina had responded automatically.
With that, they were ready to get out there and face the world. Lina managed to find a large, very concealing black cloak to replace her simple cape with, which most importantly, closed in the front. That didn't help the odd feeling of a draft when she moved, however.
She had to admit that it worked. The other Evilanians didn't give the group so much as a second look, and once they warned Gourry to stop saying things like 'Hello' and 'Good day' to people they passed by, the troupe managed to move and groove like a bunch of Evilanians. In celebration, Lina immediately suggested they proceed to directly move swiftly to the nearest possible source of food.
"Death's Head Stew... Lace and Arsenic Noodles... and a Bloody Mary with A Slow Comfortable Stab Against the Wall," Naga selected, from the menu, which was black with black printing surrounded by a black border. "Lina?"
Lina squinted hard, trying to make out the text. "What's.... the Evilanian Ultimate Feast?"
"It's a torrid miasma of digestive agony and sheer consumable horror," the waitress said. "A rare dish that's only served in this restaurant in this town that you'll never find anywhere else."
"Hot dang! I'll take it!" Lina said. "Just another feather in my cap to eat every kind of food in existence! And I'll have some Brackish Water to drink and a side of Roast Beast. Gourry?"
Gourry had his menu upside down. "Uhhh... I'll just have a steak."
"Do you want that incredibly bloody or burnt to ash?" the waitress asked.
"Burnt, I guess."
"I'll be back with your food whenever I damn well please," she honestly said, collecting menus and walking away.
Lina leaned back in her chair, looking at the ceiling fan. Amazingly, four double-edged broadswords circulated the air efficiently.
"You know, this is working out okay, all things considered," Lina said. "We're wearing silly clothes, but otherwise, all's well. Plus, I get to eat the 'Evilanian Ultimate Feast'!"
"I could swear I've heard of that dish somewhere before," Naga said, grabbing a menu from a nearby patron and backhanding him before he could run her through with his sword in response. She flipped the menu open to read.
"Now, the next step in our plan is to track down the Great Library," Lina explained. "But we've been going for awhile in that coach without many stops, other than Noh Wheir. Naga, you should go pick up some horse feed and rations while Gourry and I scout out the city to find a guide or a map or something."
"Mm-hmm," Naga nodded absently.
"One thing first," Lina said, leaning over to address Gourry. "We need to work on your attitude. It's all wrong for this place."
"Huh?" Gourry asked. "Gosh, Lina, what makes you say that?"
"Rule one, never use the word 'Gosh'," Lina said. "Rule two, don't be polite. Try to be... nasty. A real jerk. Shove people and call them names and stuff, that seems to please these weirdos. You follow?"
"Uh-huh," Gourry nodded, his mind copying down Lina's instructions.
"Try to... aha. Act like that.. whatever his name was back in Noh Wheir. You know, the maniac with the sword?"
"Uh-huh."
"Okay. Try it out."
"Why should I, you stupid little ignorant flat chested girl? Bite me," Gourry said.
Lina hit him with the napkin dispenser.
"Oww," Gourry said, rubbing his cheek. "What'd you do that for, you crazy freak of nature? I'm just trying to act how you bloody well told me to! Screw off!"
"Whoa, whoa! That's ENOUGH acting!" Lina said. "Save it for when we have to deal with the locals!"
"Oh... sorry," Gourry said sheepishly. "I guess I got carried away..."
Lina's head got one bit comedic looking sweatdrop. "I had no idea you were such a convincing actor."
"Oh, I took lessons from my cousin Todd for a few weeks," Gourry smiled. "He was a character actor with a local street theater group. They pretended they were gangsters and acted like they were mugging people. It was really realistic, too! I wonder where they got the fake blood and stuff?"
Lina looked at anything except Gourry. In some ways, the boy was a genius. And in the important ways, he was as thick as a brick. (And if she ever had to go to one of his family reunions, she made a mental note to keep track of the exits.)
The lethargic waitress showed up after that, carrying a large tray of food. Most of it was given to Naga. A plate of grit that was previously a cow in a more happy life was placed in front of Gourry. And before Lina was a bowl of what looked like purple custard.
"What?" Lina asked. "That's it? The ultimate feast is a bowl of SOUP?"
"Stick it up your nose," the waitress offered in apology, shuffling off.
"Ah, here it is," Naga said, finally finding what she was looking for. "It's in fine print at the bottom of the menu..."
"Yaff?" Lina asked, mouth full of soup, as she methodically shoveled the thick liquid into her mouth, gulping ravenously.
"'The Evilanian Ultimate Feast is a popular choice among tourists and locals alike,'" Naga read, "'Because of its inherent psychoactive hallucinogenic spices, which make your life interesting for days on end...'"
Lina paused. And looked into her bowl, which was already half empty.
"'Please do not take before operating heavy spells,'" Naga concluded. "Interesting! So, how does it taste, Lina?"
"..." Lina critiqued.
reasy air, thick as viscous liquid slid past Lina's ears. The echoes of bats reverberated around her skull, as a thousand great flapping pairs of leathery wings whirled around her. The sky was thick with flying rodents, trying to suck her blood. Someone nearby was trying to recite a nursery rhyme she thought she had forgotten.
She just HAD to have that Ultimate Feast, didn't she?" she thought to herself in the third person, unless she actually said it out loud and didn't realize it. Her thinking wasn't impaired, not that she could tell, but she gave up trying to trust her senses an hour ago. Lina tried to keep her eyes closed, hanging onto Naga's cloak to know where to go. "How long did it say?"
"It didn't specify, just a few days," Naga said. "We should just get you an inn room to sleep it off. Gourry and I can handle getting a map to the Library and supplies, ne? And it's not a bad town to take five in for awhile."
"We can't wait a few days! We're supposed to meet back with the others soon!!" Lina yelled, so she could out-shout the shrieking wombat that was currently roosting on Gourry's head. "IF WE DON'T HURRY THIS THING UP, WE--"
"Ano, Lina, You'Re Screaming," Gourry signed, his face melting like putty as the words appeared in mid air in neon letters.
Lina blinked a few times. "Sorry. Look, I'll be fine, I can still think clearly. Nothing changes. Gourry'll take me to find a map, Naga will get supplies, and we meet back at the hitching lot at sunset. Once we're actually underway I'll try to figure out how to cure this damn soup madness. Clear?"
"I don't like it," Gourry said. "Why can't we take Lina to a healer?"
"This is Evilania, Gourry," Naga smiled. "There aren't any healers. That's white magic, and this place doesn't like wimpy things like that."
"Well, you're a SORCERESS," GOURRY SAID, AS LINA'S EARS SUDDENLY GOT WAY! TOO! SENSITIVE! FOR HER LIKING. "DON'T YOU KNOW ANY WHITE MAGIC YOU COULD Use to fix this?"
"...no," Naga replied. "I am a black sorceress."
"And I already tried Restore on myself," Lina confirmed. "Didn't do anything. Given I'm just going to have to ride this out, we should just push on. Naga, we'll need horse chow, I'd like some extra blankets, plenty of prepared food, and if you can get some, try to find those little travel board games."
The wall of a nearby barber shop exploded, as the person inside engaged in scholarly debate with the proprietor about why his haircut was not of sufficient quality, punctuated with high energy magic. Naga picked up a smoldering bit of scrap wood, without missing a beat, and started to carve her shopping list on it with a large knife.
"Umm... Naga, that place just went boom and you're writing on a plank, right?" Lina asked.
"Of course."
"Good. Then I'm not just seeing things," Lina said, as a passing cloud turned into the disembodied head of Xelloss, winking at her.
Lina paused.
"Well.. at least not MANY things," she corrected.
As the trio walked away, a figure in priest's robes peeked out from behind the sign on the roof of the barber shop. Funny, he thought, I could swear she spotted me.
Xelloss hadn't counted on Lina trying the soup de jour de force back at that restaurant. This changed matters somewhat, but he could work from it. The important parts were already in place, and running smoothly--
"Why, hello there!" he said, without turning around.
"Is the task assigned to you by She complete?" an emotionless voice sounded.
Xel glanced over at the wisp of energy. "Not quite yet. A few things left to take care of, things to plan, ambushes to set up, et cetera et cetera..."
Zellas-Metallum's Minion floated over Xelloss's head, its eyeless bodiless form watching as Lina and companions turned a corner and left. "you had a clear shot. Why did you not simply carry out your orders and destroy Lina Inverse where she stood?"
Xelloss flinched. "That lacks... style. Pinache. There's a right way to do these things and a wrong way."
"It is a simple order. Kill Lina Inverse."
"Perhaps you haven't been... in existence? long enough to realize, but Zellas-sama implies a great deal in her orders," Xelloss said. "She might have just said 'Xelloss is to kill Lina Inverse,' but what she MEANT was, 'Xelloss-kun, be a dear and pop off and snuff out Lina in a particularly ironic way.' Trust me."
"you will obey Her orders," Minion said calmly. "Or i have been instructed to eradicate Lina Inverse myself. i am the tool of my Mistress, i am her will made--"
"Yes, yes," Xelloss said, yawning in mocking distaste. "Now, push off. I have things to arrange."
The Minion vanished without a pop or a burst of light.
The trickster priest consulted his mental notebook. So many things to do, to prepare, and this little wrinkle was making it that much more difficult. But he had never failed his mistress before. Not her intentions, at least.
Lina sloshed, ankle-deep, through the river of sheep's blood that had poured out of a nearby butcher's shop. She had to duck to avoid the screaming, six-headed man with a meat cleaver; there are some hallucinations you don't want to put serious money on as being imaginary.
"This is not a good town for psychedelic appetizers," she commented to herself. "Why couldn't we have gone to some ordinary village where the peasants are trying to farm dirt? Why'd it have to be an overly dramatic land of bad-guy otaku like this place? This sort of atmosphere is weird enough, even without drugs..."
"How about if I drop you off at the inn, and go looking for the map on my own?" Gourry asked. "We could still leave on time."
"What, you finding the map alone? YOU?" Lina asked. "No way."
Gourry paused in his footsteps. "What's so bad about that?"
Lina looked around... "Look, Gourry, I don't mean any offense, but-- AAH! TIGER!"
"Where?!" Gourry said, hand going to his sword.
Peeking out from behind Gourry, Lina bit her lip. "Sorry. Automatic reaction. It's just the soup."
"Oh. So, umm... what didn't you want to offend with?"
"Forget it," Lina said. "Let's just get going."
"Come on, Lina, it's okay," Gourry said. "You can tell me."
"I just think that... you'd have a little bit of trouble finding it. Doing the investigating. You know," Lina said, shuffling her feet.
"Why?"
"You know."
"No I don't."
"That's why," Lina pointed out.
Gourry stared into space for a moment, his brain doubling output to try and muddle through this. Lina gave him the processing time, busy watching a chicken race.
"Oh, I get it!" Gourry said, smacking his fist into his palm. "You're just scared and stuff and want me around to protect you and keep you company but don't want to admit it. That's okay, Lina! I'd be more than happ--"
Lina bonked Gourry over the head. "NO! That's not it at all! I'm fine, I can handle anything! It's you, you're thick, dull, dumb, stupid, ignorant, unobservant, and.. and other things!! You wouldn't be able to find the map if it was taped to your forehead!"
"--y to..." Gourry continued, then trailed off into oblivion, a confused look passing over his face. "A... ano?"
The young sorceress sighed. "I'm just trying to say that you wouldn't be able to find out the information, because... I mean, it's not like you're... it's just..."
Gourry looked positively hurt. His mouth stayed open, in case he thought of something to say and needed it that way.
"Don't look at me like that, sheesh," Lina said, looking away. "Forget it. Forget it! I'll find the map or the guide or the trail of bread crumbs or whatever on my own. Go help Naga. I don't need you, I can handle this."
"Ano..." Gourry repeated.
Lina turned sharply on her heel, waved aside a large spider web that had grown across the street, and marched off in a huff.
It was true, after all. She was smart and resourceful. And she could cast spells and even use a sword. So why did she need Gourry? Especially for something investigative, like this. She'd be better off just taking care of it herself, even if she was seeing stuff, she'd STILL be more observant than--
Lina collided stomach first with an ogre three times larger than her, and fell back on her tush.
The monster glared down at her. "Watch where yer goin', little girl!" Fire poured out of its mouth, as its horns grew and spiraled in anger.
"Stupid hallucination," Lina grumbled. "Beat it, you're not real and I'm busy."
Muscles flexed on top of muscles, like two hippos trying to wrestle under a blanket. "Issat so?"
Lina got up, dusted herself off, and started to walk away when a meaty hand clamped over her shoulder, a sword appearing at her neck.
Probably just imagining that, Lina thought. Probably. Along with that hot breath down my back, and an edge up to my skin, and... and...
Instinct took over.
"AIEEE!!" she yelled, stomping on the ogre's foot. This didn't faze the thing. "Gourry! GOURRY!"
In a flash, the swordsman had hurled himself out of nowhere, smashing into the ogre's side. Lina fell away, watching as Gourry tangled with the monster, which seemed way too real to be some vision.
The fight was brief, but intense, the two doing sort of a combination of brawling and swordfighting. For a big guy, the ogre was fast, but Gourry was faster, control over his sword tighter and more refined. He narrowly avoided being run through, then let his blade follow through, neatly spanning the thing's shoulders.
The ogre's head rolled almost comically away, his body feeling around where it was supposed to be.
"You bastards!" the head shouted. "You have any idea how hard it is to reattach that? This'll cost me a fortune!"
"Take out a loan," Gourry suggested, using the wit of fighting rhetorts that all swordspeople were trained in.
Ogre body picked up ogre head like a football, and the pair ran off into the city.
Lina sat there, speechless, as Gourry cleaned off his sword and slid it back into its sheathe. He turned to Lina, and smiled. "You okay, Lina?"
"Ano..." Lina asked, confused.
"Told you you needed me to protect you and stuff," Gourry said. "It's okay. I know I'm not a really bright guy, but Aunt Melba always said I knew what was the right thing to do. That counts, right?"
Lina looked sheepish. "Yeah... yeah, it does. I could've handled that guy, though... um. You're not mad, are you?"
"Ano? Why would I be mad?" Gourry asked.
"Oooh, no reason, no reason," Lina said, letting it slide. "So. What's the right thing to do next, then?"
Gourry scratched his head. "Actually.. I was thinking we should try finding a tour guide or a tourist place. Maybe the Great Library isn't so lost and legendary after all, and we could get someone to lead us right to it!"
Lina groaned. "Gourry, nobody's been inside the Great Library in centuries. Why would some kitschy tour guide know the way?"
"I think it's my incest I'm listening to."
"Instinct, Gourry. Instinct."
Gourry made a face. "No way. Besides, I don't have a sister."
Lina Inverse -- not the one with Gourry -- walked along the streets as well, on the other side of town.
"I've been here before," she said aloud, not really for the Goon's information but more for herself. "I remember some of this. It looked different but it was all here in some way..."
"I don't see any banks," the Goon said. "Where're you getting this money from?"
"I've got a stash," Lina lied. "I--"
Sniggering.
Lina whirled. "Shut UP!"
Halting in his tracks, the Goon looked puzzled. "I didn't say nothin'!"
"You laughed! I can always hear you laughing at me!" Lina accused, raising her marble-thrower, not remembering when she had last loaded it. "I know it!"
'I swear, this freaky chick is always doing weird-ass stuff like this,' the Goon didn't say because he'd seen what that stick had done to others. Instead, he said, "I didn't laugh, I swear. Must've been... that guy!"
Aware of the intrinsic value of bystander scapegoats, he pointed at some random person. Lina whirled, and fired the stick; she missed wide, but the crowd of foot traffic knew better than to hang around, and ran for it.
"That's better," she said, watching the empty street. She blew smoke off the muzzle of the weapon.
Giggling.
"I said SHUTUP!!" she growled menacingly at the air.
Snickering, chuckling.
Silly little thing, the laugher said, her voice condescending. Look what you are, look what you've become. A little animal that runs in fear and has to fight to stay alive. Whereas I'm here, with Gourry and Zelgadis, and we're having the time of our lives in this lovely world. I got to play and laugh for years with them while you alone had to beg them not to hurt you, and I'm still laughing and playing. Laughter, more laughter...
Lina clenched the marble-thrower, the only powerful weapon she had held in months -- back in the real world, the Mazoku had taken away her sword, and made sure anybody who armed her suffered. She cracked off five shots, randomly, just wanting to fill the air with a sound other than the voices that mocked her from this dream-world she had stumbled into, and it worked; the sharp shots scared them away.
Pausing, hearing all the no sound, she was satisfied. Reloaded the stick with six fresh marbles.
"Let's go," she said. "It's not far away now."
hopping was an art for Naga. Just like fashion, style, and magic, she knew the importance of skillfully picking and choosing just the right elements. The right sort of armor, a well designed cape, perhaps a silky scent of perfume, a well placed fireball to the torso, and so on. (Naga didn't realize that her own particular tastes in consumer goods weren't shared by 99% of the population, but at least it made her happy on an individual level.)
Therefore, instead of using Lina's shopping list (the poor girl just didn't understand how to properly buy things), Naga improvised. First she got some truly spectacular drapery for the horses, to make it a PROPER carriage for a princess's entourage, not that she was a princess at heart of course but she did like to indulge from time to time, along with a special horn for the coach that could bleat out 'I'm a Sailoon Sailor Dandy' and 'The Troll Stomp March' when you squeezed the bulb. Next item up for bid was a megaphone, which she thought would be good for striking fear into their enemies' hearts with a very loud speech or two, along with a copy of a book she had seen a few times in various shops but never had bought -- 'Soe, Youe Wante To Be Aye Sworde-Swinging Heroine In Juste Twenty One Dayes!', by someone named Xena. Naga had intended on brushing up on her sword forms, and no time like the present.
By the time she was approaching the checkout, she vaguely remembered something about needing to buy food, and went back to fetch a small box of dried fruit and a bottle of apple juice. That would make do.
On her way to the checkout she bumped into one of the bad guys.
At first, they both were too surprised to move. Lily looked up from her basket of fruits and vegetables, Naga stopped wheeling her cart of miscellaneous crap. While it was normal to meet your mortal enemy on a cliff in front of the raging sea or beside a lake of fire, seeing them in the express lane of the local market wasn't a normal situation and it usually took a moment to get your bearings.
Lily recovered faster, hurling a grapefruit at Naga and ducking for cover behind a shelf of charcoal, which in hindsight was a bad idea.
"I have you now!" Naga declared. "FLARE ARROW!"
The entire shelf went up in a backyard barbecue holocaust. Lily fled from her hiding place, dousing the fire in her cloak with a bottle of apple juice she had bought. She looked left, looked right, but there weren't any other good hiding places. Naga advanced.
"OOOHOHOHOOHHOHOOO!!" Naga laughed. "You and your little cronies thought you could outwit Naga the White Serpent? Now, I have tracked you to this place, and--"
"Ano.." Lily said. "But we met by accident--"
"DON'T interrupt!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Lily said, breaking out in panicked sobs. "Don't hurt me!"
"Ooooohh no," Naga warned, backing off a step. "I'm not going to fall for that again, you acting all weepy and scared when you're really plotting my downfall!"
Lily continued to bawl pathetically, like a condemned woman.
"...so... you can stop now," Naga said. "I know it's all a ruse. Stop. STOP!"
Lily stopped on command.
Naga tapped her foot.
"You really thought I was going to kill you or something?" she asked, curiously.
"wuh.. well... wr yr enmes," Lily said quiet enough to have not disturbed a sleeping mouse.
"Come again?"
"W'r yur enmes."
"Louder, girl!"
"We're your enemies!!" Lily blurted, then covered her mouth. "Sorry..."
"This won't do at all," Naga said, shaking his head. "You have to fight back! How can I be expected to defeat you in single magical combat if you just sit there and whine?"
"I'm sorry."
"And don't apologize!!"
"Sorry," Lily repeated.
Naga eyed Lily suspiciously. "Are you POSITIVE you're not being cunning and devious and putting on an act? Be honest."
Lily said nothing, still paralyzed in fear.
The black sorceress contemplated this. "I see. Well, in that case, you're officially my prisoner! I have defeated the infamous white sorceress!! OOHHOHOOHOH--"
"ano..." Lily said. "But.. but I've got to go back. I've got a job to do, I need to watch over him..."
"He can watch over himself. Now, march, prisoner!"
Lily stood slowly.. then stepped forward, almost a stumble. "*Sleep,*" she cast, reaching to touch Naga...
"*Reversal!*" Naga quickly cast, a glowing disc flashing in front of herself. Lily's fingers touched the disc, touching herself, and surprised, she fell gently to the floor, sleeping like a baby.
The Evilanian Bureau of Tourism was easy to identify, being the only building lacking ornate gothic carvings and arches. The windows were not stained glass. It was clearly designed to be an oasis to the foreigner in a storm, a NORMAL looking building they could hide in. A large, magically lit sign identified it clearly for any frightened travelers. At least, Lina assumed it was magically lit, and not just a vision.
The visions thankfully had started to die off. Lina assumed this meant she was over the hump, since she wasn't seeing blood come out of the walls or her grandmother climbing up her leg with a knife in her teeth and such. No three legged dogs wandering around reciting tax law. The worst was over!
Until she met Nigel R. Freely, the manager of the Bureau of Tourism.
"Yaaaa! Monster!" Lina gasped, and clung to Gourry's head in surprise.
"Monster?" the slime lord with a hundred slathering tentacles behind the desk asked. "Where?"
"It's okay, mister, she's just a little... rrgh... jumpy today," Gourry said, prying Lina off his person and setting her down.
Lina tried to ignore the sixty faceted eyes watching her. "Uh.. yeah. Too much coffee. Ehheh." Of COURSE it was just a hallucination. She should've just expected that...
"Anyway, we're looking for someone who can lead us to a place called the Great Library," Gourry explained, taking the lead as Lina glanced nervously around the room. "I understand it's somewhere around here, but it might be lost."
"I tried to tell him you wouldn't know where it was, sir," Lina said. "But he--"
"Great Library, Great Library..." Nigel said, his tentacles sifting through papers on his desk. "Ah, here we go. The ancient repository of all the ancient knowledge of the Empire of Alextribik, circa 230 BW. Sixteen level facility made of sandstone and marble at the base of Mt. Erruptus. Covered by lava and obsidian 740 AD. We've got a tour that visits there tomorrow."
"--whaaaa?" Lina asked.
"The Great Library is still buried, but we've been busy excavating the levels," Nigel explained, in a monotone so flat it made the horizon look like a melon rind. "Using postmodern digging tools and refined archaeological techniques, Evilania is restoring this national monument and is more than happy to provide your class, scout group, history club, or other social organization passes at slight fee with reduced rates for groups in order to visit the dig site which features extensive dioramas and historical artifacts which you can look at in the Great Library On-Site Museum, a simple two gold cover charge for admittance, open Wednesday through Saturday from--"
"When can we go?!" Lina asked, overjoyed.
"As I said, tours run from nine in the morning to three in the afternoon, leaving the Bureau in caravans of six each with a travel time of one hour, with snacks provided for a slight charge including various--"
"Great! We can stay the night, and visit tomorrow," Lina said. "Gourry, you're a geee.. an occasionally insightful person."
"Gosh, thanks!" Gourry said. "I think."
"The lost library, and we've found it without problems!" Lina smiled. "What could go wrong?"
Everything went wrong.
First the ground shook. Then, the roof was ripped off the building, whirling up into a tornado of black lightning that engulfed the sky. Then the bats flew in, swirling around Lina, who tried to beat them off in a panic.
Because the visions didn't die off completely. They just got more specific.
A lone figured landed on the twisted wreckage of one wall, a figure with white hair, aiming the business end of a very long, very wicked looking weapon at Lina. A red dot the size of her head appeared on her chest, burning and glaring with horrible light...
"AAAAAAA!!!!" Lina screamed, and fled the building.
"...ano? Lina?" Gourry said. He looked up to see what she was staring at, but only saw the ceiling. He quickly excused himself, and left.
The Temple of Ozek the Mazoku Arch-Demon Master of Hellfire wasn't exactly as Lina remembered it, back in the real world. Here in the dream world she had found herself in, it was a bit cleaner and hadn't mutated with dark power. But it still had the four arches in front, representing the number of death, and inside was a bowl-shaped altar for sacrifices and prayer to the evil beast. The Evilanians were the ones responsible for the 'Contribute Or Die' donations box for the church charity in front.
"It's not far. It's in here," Lina said, leading the Goon inside the temple. There weren't very many of the idiots here praying, just an old lady trying to win the favor of Ozek to crush the fool who beat her in the bridge club championships the other day and a janitor cursing the dead parrots folks left around the altar. A quick dark glare from Lina, and both of them hurried up their duties and split.
"What is this, some kinda freaked out church?" the Goon asked, poking at a statue of Ozek.
"It's a focal point," Lina said, taking her bag of black-marble-throwing-powder, and starting to make a five pointed star on the floor. "I learned about it a year ago, when I was brought here. Ozek isn't really much, but he's dangerous and stupid, a good combination. He played with me a lot until I escaped. He loved to play with..." Her voice trailed off.
"Who's Ozek, your boyfriend?" the Goon smirked.
Lina resisted the urge to beat him, concentrating on her work. "I learned a few important things about the calling of the Mazoku here. How they worked, what kinds of deals they made. Bad ones, mostly. I've been waiting awhile to be able to take one of these bastards by the balls and make them do what I want, and now I think I can. I think I can."
"Yeah yeah. Where's the cash?"
"Don't you interrupt me!" Lina said, pointing. "Shut up! I'm busy!"
"Eeesh, okay, okay..."
"I've got a plan," Lina said. "And you're a big part of it. I can't do it without you. I can, but I WANT to do it with you. I think you're just right for the task. I think you deserve it. You're very similar to Ozek, you know."
"Sounds like a righteous guy," Goon shrugged.
Lina completed the magical star around the altar, and ignited the powder with a match. It burned darkly.
She raised the marble thrower.
The Goon stopped picking his ear, and glanced at Lina. "Hey... hey, wait--"
Naga was very pleased with herself.
No, no other black sorceress could be as crafty as she. Anybody could drag a prisoner off to some secluded basement, tied to a chair, and work them over under the hot lights. It took more moxie, more style to find a cliff overlooking the roaring sea (or at least a river), tie them to a large tree, and and engage in a really productive interrogation. She even had placed a light spell at her feet to be illuminated from below for extra intimidation.
Naga removed the sleep spell.
"OOOOOOHOHOHOHHOOOHOOHOHOOHHOOHOOHHOOOHHO OHOHOHOOHHOOOHOOHOHOOO!!!!!!" she laughed, giving herself a really hearty one, from the bottom of the lungs. Just the way to start out. "Now, miss white sorceress, you will answer MY questions! Understood?"
Lily fainted from sheer fright at the excessively dramatic scene Naga had carefully arranged.
A little while later, after Naga had found a less satisfying but more ordinary secluded basement and chair, she woke the girl up and tried again.
"Ohoho," she said, keeping the laugh simple. "Now answer my questions. And if you faint it'll go very badly for you. Understood?"
"H-Hai," Lily said.
"That's better," Naga nodded. "Now. Why are you following us? Are that loud-mouthed fool and the other Lina with you?"
"I shouldn't say--"
"OOOHOHHOHOOOHHOHOOHOHHOOHOOHHOOHO--"
"I'll talk!" Lily protested. "Please, don't laugh again!"
This threw Naga. "It's just a laugh..."
Lily cringed. "I... me and my boyfriend are here because that white-haired girl hired us to help her. She's looking for something called the Mirror Lores."
"AHA! So they ARE seeking our quarry. OHO--"
"Eeeee!"
"Eh, sorry," Naga apologize. "Continue?"
"My boyfriend doesn't like her at all, but she says she can pay him a lot of money," Lily said. "And that's it. That's all! I don't want to hurt any of you. I just have to protect him..."
Naga squatted on the floor, ignoring for a moment that she was supposed to be looming and imposing. "Why is that? He seems to treat you like dirt, from what I've heard."
"I.. I deserve it," Lily said, looking away.
"And he seems to have you brainwashed, to boot," Naga observed. "Okay, what lame explanation do you have for that?"
"It was my fault," Lily said. "When we were younger, he told me I was going to marry him one day, and I had to protect him, and.. and since I was raised to be a white sorceress to help and protect people, I was happy to. It was like training. And... and one day, one of his business partners... stabbed him..."
Naga didn't respond.
"I didn't get to him in time.. I couldn't DO anything!" Lily said. "If my mother hadn't been nearby to cast Resurrect, he'd have d-died... he blames me. I didn't do my job right. A Testabourner always does their job right and I couldn't stop the killers--"
"You couldn't!" Naga said, leaping to her feet. "Nobody could! So you should have... you... ...excuse me."
Naga whirled and dashed to the door, opened it, stepped through, shut it, drew in breath, wrapped her arms around herself, got control, got back in gear.
Almost threw me, she thought. Naga the White Serpent doesn't GET thrown. She's stronger than that.
And she realized what did it. The killers...
Naga never remembered specific details, just summaries. What happened, what order.
Gracia (Naga's original nomenclature) and Amelia both were training to be white sorceresses. Her father, Prince Phil, always was into justice and compassion and truth and valor, and the whole family tried to live that way, practicing in the noble arts of swords and white magic. One day, Phil would be raised to the throne, and he intended to run Sailoon on the side of right.
Most of the royal family, notably his brothers and other dukes, weren't quite that noble. There had been a few assassination attempts, nothing particularly worthy of the family's quick reflexes and strength. One particular botched attempt tried to kill Phil in his sleep, with a throwing knife and an open window. Phil was out that night inspecting the troops, but his wife was in bed, and she was killed in his place.
Amelia and Gracia heard the tiniest of noises, and figuring it was a mouse, went to investigate when they found mother. No amount of white magic was able to do anything about what the killers did.
But it wasn't like it was a big deal. They each got on with their lives, got strong, tried to pull through just fine. Amelia went into justice overdrive, practicing white magic until she collapsed each day, writing speeches to tell the killers when she found them that she planned to say from the top of a tree or mountain. Gracia, on the other hand, had realized something; white magic was useless. Parlor tricks, simple first aid and bandages. If she wanted to punish the killers, which both sisters had sworn to do, she'd try a different track. She'd need a new name to fit it.
So, Naga the White Serpent studied and became the formidable black sorceress she was, able to mete out incredible damage to her enemies, and really be successful in life as a bandit hunter and mercenary. Everything worked out okay.
And here she was, now, interrogating this girl who had a similar experience. Okay. That explains why she had reacted badly to the story, it seemed very obvious. But...
Naga pushed open the door and stormed back into the room.
"Let me get this straight," she said. "Your supposed misogynist boyfriend gets a shiv between the shoulders, and you cry and get weepy that you couldn't do anything. I sympathize, almost. But WHY, in the Lord of Nightmare's name, did you decide to let him abuse you, use you and drag you around as his personal servant?"
Lily looked confused, like she didn't understand why the question needed asking. "Huh?"
"You could have done any number of other things!" Naga said. "Like me. You could have just studied black magic and gotten stronger! Strong enough to handle it from that day on. At least then you'd have some self respect, even if you couldn't save him!"
The white sorceress hung her head.
"I failed my job," she repeated. "I'm shamed. I have to make amends. When you do a job, do it right, my mother always said."
"Come ON! It's not a job, it's slavery! You.... you..." Naga stopped, realizing something. "Wait. No amount of my badgering is actually going to change your mind, is it? You've lived like this so long you actually believe you're at fault.."
"I am at fault," Lily said, quiet, flat.
So far gone that she couldn't even be debated. If I had been born in that ridiculous country, Naga thought, maybe this would've been me.
Perhaps something else can be done, though.
"Very well!" Naga said, sweeping her cape in a dramatic flourish. "You are officially my prisoner. Your job has changed; now you are to accompany me in my quest for the Mirror Lores! Together we will fight towards glory!! OOOHOHOHOHOOHOO--"
The white sorceress fainted again.
"--ho," Naga finished.
It's just a hallucination. It's just a hallucination.
But this was BAT COUNTRY!
Lina knew on one level that it was all in her head, but she couldn't not run away, screaming, into the night. It was so real! The bats chased her, flapping leather in the wind, and she refused to look back, covering as much of the burnt ground as she could. Eventually, the sound seemed to dwindle away, to die, and Lina cast a glance backwards to see that they had left.
And for each bat, there was a Lina, a Lina with white hair and a large weapon, laughing as they chased her.
And when she looked ahead, the world was.. different. The sky was black during the day, and she was running through a burned village, corn husk and wood buildings in smoldering piles. Nobody bothered to bury the dead, since the Mazoku rather liked the decor and the fear and loathing it inspired in humans who saw it. Because it was the Mazoku that were chasing her, they could catch her at any time, but preferred to let her run and think she had a chance to escape--
No, no, stop, hold. Lina forced herself to stop running.
"It's nothing!" she declared, defiantly. "I'm not like her. I'm not going to flee, I'll stand. It's not real and no chemical condiment overdose is going to convince me otherwise!"
The thundering herd of Lina Inverseds stood around her, snickering. Circling slowly.
"So, this is what your world's like?" she said, not realizing she was addressing her hallucination on a conversational level. She nudged a human skull out of the way. "Very dramatic. Very evil. Very obviously designed to scare me, right? That IS the idea, right?"
The Linas started to shift, to melt into each other... claws, wings, tentacles, monster parts, Mazoku true forms...
Lina sat, indian style, and ignored them. "I'm sick of bad dreams. And bad soup. Being haunted stinks and I won't put up with it any more! Nothing you can do will move me from this spot--"
A scaled arm reached out from the mass of biology, grabbing Lina's leg. It hauled her easily into the fray.
Lina tried to ignore it, despite being uncomfortably dragged along the ground. "You can stop now," she said, before another arm slashed at her, leaving a gash across her stomach.
THEN she started to panic.
A hand, a human hand, grabbed her shoulder and the world stopped.
Lina turned, and faced Gourry, in the middle of the empty plain. Silent. No monsters, no village, no anything out of the ordinary.
"Lina? You okay?" Gourry asked.
"Yes.. no," Lina said, wiping sweat off her forehead. "I'm not okay. Gourry... you're right. The soup's getting to me. Let's go back to the inn. I've gotta rest.."
Lina stumbled slightly, but Gourry was there to support her. "Easy, easy," he said. "This must be awful. I know I wouldn't like to be seeing things. How about if I stay in your room tonight?"
"Uh..."
Gourry smiled. "Just to wake you out of it if anything happens. Like I did just now. Okay?"
Exhausted, Lina agreed. But not because she was exhausted. Instead, she smiled up at him. "Gourry.. thanks. That'd be a good idea. The last thing I need right now is to see more monsters."
An explosion rocked the land, as the roof of a nearby temple burst outwards, raining bricks and mortar in a wide circle. Gourry whipped his sword out and split a large chunk of rock in two without thinking, before it could hit them. Out of the wreckage of the Temple of Ozek rose a fifty foot tall vision of red wings and talons. It roared against the darkening sky.
"...Gourry?" Lina asked. "Are you seeing a giant monster too?"
"Uh huh," Gourry said.
"Oh, good. Just checking," Lina said.
oaring into the open sky, the great Demon Lord of the Mazoku Or So He Thought Of Himself As, the Terrible Ozek unfurled his bat wings, stretching.
"I RETURN!" he declared. "MAY THE HUMANS WEEP IN DESP--"
Someone whistled.
Ozek looked down at the strange white-haired little girl. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, MORTAL?"
Lina Inverse pointed to what was left of the Goon. He still looked surprised, and was quite beside himself, on a very literal level. "That's my sacrifice to you, and the rules say I get three wishes within your power in bargain. Correct?"
"THAT IS THE POWER OF MY SUMMONING, YES. YOU SEEK IMMORTALITY? OMNIPOTENCE? MONEY?"
"I know you and I know you aren't all that hot," Lina said. "You have no money because Mazoku don't care for it, and the best you could do to make me powerful and long-living is to make ME a Mazoku, which I don't want. You're all hot air and stupidity and blunt strength."
Ozek's wings fluttered. "I HAVE SKINNED MEN FOR LESS, FOOLISH CHILD. I HAVE DOMINATED AND EVENTUALLY DESTROYED OTHERS LIKE Y--"
"Shut up," Lina said. "Wish number one. I want you to.. to apologize."
This wasn't a word Ozek was used to hearing, so he had to have it defined for him. Upon figuring it out, he went into a rage, knocking down several walls of the temple.
"YOU WISH THAT OF ME?! NOT ONLY IS IT INSULTING, I CANNOT SEE WHAT I HAVE DONE THAT YOU WOULD DESIRE SUCH HUMILIATION FOR!!"
"Not here, not here. Well, here. But not HERE," Lina said. "It's my turn and you're going to apologize and you're going to do it NOW! If you don't apologize I'll revoke the sacrifice and you go back to sleep until the next Mazoku war. Got it?"
Ozek snorted, and exhaled a light blue flame. "FOR WHATEVER REASON, I AM SORRY. IS THAT ENOUGH? I--"
"Wish TWO!" Lina said, holding up two fingers. She paused, trying to work the words out in her head, having waited for this moment but still woefully unprepared.. "You are.. you're never to... if you hurt a girl my age like you know you like to do ever again you'll explode!"
"I DON'T DO ABSURD PROPHECY. JUST WISHES," Ozek scoffed. "GIFTS AND SO ON. HURRY UP. I AM READY TO REND THIS COUNTRY ASUNDER AND SUBJUGATE IT!"
"You.. you will NOT sub... ah. Ah HA!" Lina said, grinning. "Wish number two! You will go right back to sleep after accomplishing wish number three and not bug anyone! Got it?!"
Ozek bent down, glaring with glowing eyes at Lina. "YOU CANNOT ASK THAT OF ME. I AM OZEK THE MIGHTY. I--"
"You're bound to the contract," Lina said, pointing to the blood-soaked altar. "You're exiting stage left after the dance. It's in your power to do so, so you have to."
The Mazoku shook with barely restrained rage. "VERY WELL! TELL ME THE THIRD TASK SO I MAY GET THIS FARCE OVER WITH."
Lina took a deep breath. She got most of what she came for; now for the last stroke to continue to set things right in this twisted world...
"A blonde swordsman and a tall sorceress wearing a bikini will be here shortly," Lina explained. "Kill them."
Ozek roared into the sky, gleeful. "THIS I CAN DO! O ARROGANT HUMANITY! OZEK IS--"
Lina coughed.
"--UNLEASHED FOR AN HOUR OR SO," the demon ended with, ruining his boast. "AT LEAST I WILL GET SOME EXERCISE. BUT BEWARED, LITTLE GIRL, WHEN THE NEXT MAZOKU UPRISING COMES, I WILL MAKE SURE YOU SUFFER HORRIBLY FOR THIS INSOLENCE."
"Been there," Lina said, turning to go. "Done that."
Lina wished the cloak she had put over this ridiculous outfit Naga gave her wasn't so drafty. Normally, at the site of a demon's uprising and horrific resurrection, peasants would run screaming to safety, so nobody would be around to see her in this embarrassing outfit.
But these weren't peasants, they were Evilanians.
Instead, a huge mob had gathered at the ruined temple, hands raised in tribute to the very typical looking monster that towered fifty feet over them.
"We worship you, O Ozek!" they chanted almost in unison. "Lead us towards victory over the accursed forces of the weak!"
"Boy, these guys must practice a lot," Gourry commented, stopping on a ridge overlooking the scene. "They've got the cartography down pat!"
"Choreography, Gourry," Lina corrected.
"Funny, I don't see any mapmakers there--"
Ozek looked down in confusion at the group, but caught on quickly. He let out a bellowing laugh, and swept his arms dramatically, wings a-flutter, but in a batlike way, not a chicken-like way or a butterfly-like way. "MORTAL SWINE! IT IS TIME TO JOIN THE FORCES OF OZEK! ARE YOU READY!"
The stupid ones all cheered, and exchanged high fives, before Ozek stepped on them. Squish.
"Eww," Lina said. "Mazoku always leave a mess around."
Gourry peered across the ways, at the damp footprint. "Umm.. Lina, they're still moving. But they look a bit different..."
"Are they all grey and splotchy and shuffling around with their arms held out?" Lina hazarded.
"No, no, they... oh, wait... yeah, that's definitely a shuffle. More like a strut and a shuffle, but definitely a bit shuffleish. Why do you ask?"
"Zombies," Lina said, drawing her sword. "Very resistant to magic, but if you hack them apart enough times, not a problem. Minor monster. Ready?"
Gourry watched, as Ozek pointed them out, and the horde of zombies charged them at a light trot. He drew the Sword of Light, slowly. "Don't zombie turn you into the undead if they bite you?"
"No, that's werewolves."
"I thought werewolves had to transfer some of their blood into you to turn you."
"No, that's vampires," Lina explained.
"Okay... so..." Gourry said. "You've got vampires, who need to transfuse blood to make you a vampire, and... werewolves just have to bite you, so... what do zombies do?"
Lina started to get nervous. "They eat your brains, which these ones are gonna do in a second... they're getting closer, so, you know, you wanna get in there and start cutting them apart already??"
"Now, hold on," Gourry said, trying to think. "So, if zombies eat your brains, what do werewolves eat?"
"They don't eat ANYTHING! They just bite you! Now fight!!"
"They have to eat something. Otherwise they'd starve, or something, right? I mean, I do know some things. Vampires eat blood, I know that, so..."
"GOURRYBEHINDYOU!!" Lina wailed, waving her arms.
Gourry stuck his sword, point first, into the air behind him. A zombie groaned and slumped to the side. "Do werewolves eat fur or something?"
"Yes! They eat fur! You're right! Now let's fight these guys!!" Lina begged, spinning to lop off an undead head.
Nodding in satisfaction, Gourry turned to face the monsters. "Okay. Just trying to make sure I knew what we were dealing with."
Naga knew something was up when the roof fell on her head.
That's always a good first sign. So, she grabbed the chair Lily was tied to, and hauled her out of the wreckage of the building, and noticed this great big evil bastard squatting in a temple on the edge of town.
At last! A chance to prove her might in the field of combat! Given she hadn't had a really good successful brawl in awhile (Noh Wheir didn't count, thanks to the annoying little woman in the chair) Naga was more than ready to swing into battle.
Using Raywing, she scouted over the killing fields. The monster was still in the temple, laughing its head off, while Lina and Gourry were ripping through a horde of zombies like a weed whacker. (An obscure invention by Dayvid Devince that he used to mow lawns at 25 coppers an acre, and was able to purchase his first alchemy set in a matter of days with, but Naga wasn't aware of that.)
Touching down just outside the blood-drenched zombie slashfest blast-o-rama, Naga deposited the snoozing Lily and her chair, and addressed Lina.
"Good work, Lina!" she called. "Keep it up! I'll go challenge the leader while you and my other sidekick deal with these minions! OOHHHOOHOOOHHOOHHOHOOHOHOHOOO!!!"
"Naga?!" Lina gaped. She span, slashing through the chest of another zombie that was sniffing at her head. "Don't just stand there, help us out!! For the love of L-sama, help us!"
"Yes, I will! Excuse me," she excused, and flew off towards the beast. She slid to a halt in midair, so she could look the thing right in the eyes.
Ozek turned to her. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, PUNY WEAKLING?"
"OOOHOHOHOHOHOOHO!!!" Naga laughed. "Puny? We humans have progressed by leaps and bounds since your kind last saw this world! For now, you face the terrible and powerful NAGA, the White Serpent! Prepare yourself!"
"I AM OZEK, LORD OF THE DEAD, DUKE OF BLOOD!" Ozek announced, beating on his chest. "I AM BOUND TO KILL YOU, TALL ONE WEARING A BIKINI! FROM THE BLOOD SACRIFICE OF A LOUD MOUTHED MAN FROM TESTABOURNE, MY BLACK HEART BEATS WITH DARK INTENT! FOR LOW IS THE SWAY THAT REAPS LIKE A HARVEST IN MINE SIGHT!"
"Perhaps you are, but hundreds have fallen at my feet!" Naga taunted. "I have cut down all enemies that appear before me, like a mighty whirlwind of righteousness!"
"OH YEAH?" Ozek retorted. "MY NAME ECHOES ACROSS THE LAND LIKE A DARK OMEN! BEAT THAT!"
"OOHOHOO! All have heard of Naga, and they run, quivering in my wake!" Naga said.
"YEAH, WELL, I HAVE..."
The battle was on!
Lina kicked a rolling zombie head away, gritting her teeth. This wasn't going well. First of all, she was surrounded by zombies; but second of all, the drugs in her blood were making the zombies WORSE, bigger, nastier, more of them. She had taken to just slashing at everything that didn't look remotely like Gourry to get by. And naturally, Naga had stormed off for some stupid reason...
"Gourry?" Lina asked. "Remind me to hurt Naga. Very badly."
Gourry cut one zombie in half before splitting a second down the middle and removing the arms of a third before driving his sword into the heart of another in the span of two seconds. "Can't talk, busy fighting," he replied automatically, not having enough brain overhead to think of anything else.
Just outside the angry zombie stomping grounds, Lily started to awaken, finding herself lying sideways on the ground tied to a chair staring at the walking dead. This didn't help her disposition. "AIEEE!!"
"Gourry! Am I still hallucinating or is some girl screaming?"
"Yes!" Gourry replied, beating a zombie with its own leg.
Lina fought her way to the edge of the battle, and saw Lily. Figuring it couldn't hurt, even if she might not exist, she spoke. "Hey! I know you were hired to stop us, but can you fight? We need a hand here!"
"I... I..." Lily said, her voice locked.
"I'll take that as a yes too," Lina said, sparing a swordstroke to slice the ropes on the chair. Lily scrabbled to her feet, and watched the teeming horde, swallowing hard.
Technically, she was supposed to be making life worse for these people. She had a job to do. But she also swore to protect life, and.. the two conflicted.
But a white sorceress would never help the forces of darkness, at least, not ones as obvious as the walking dead, and Lily eventually hit a decision."
The wind circled around Lily, a gentle breeze, but stronger than the strongest hurricane. Her body glowed with light as she concentrated on the spell, her best and most frequently used spell...
"As tall as the tallest pillar...
As bright as the lightest sun...
Final level of power, final spell of might,
Shining brightness that brings all life,
Let the darkness be repaired in this place...
ULTRA RESTORATION!"
A bright flash filled the air, and a silent explosion.
Lina blinked several times to clear it, and when she did, she saw the zombies.. heal. Body parts came back together or regenerated, skin went from grey to pale pink, the normal complexion for an Evilanian.. and then the mob of living dead had become a mob of the living, who were very confused. The group scattered quickly, trying to leave the scene as fast as possible.
Gourry turned to face the enemy, found he had nobody to face, and spent a few moments adjusting. All the minor nicks and wounds he had received were missing. "Huh?"
"You.. you CURED zombiehood?" Lina asked, shocked. Her eyes focused more easily, the chemical stew that was threatening to overwhelm her gone from her system. "Even dead.. er zombies?? And my drug... and.. whoa! That's impossible! White magic isn't strong enough to..."
Lily looked sheepish.
"We'll deal with that later," Lina said. "Hold that thought. I need to kick the monster's ass now."
Lina turned, to face the great beast Ozek, who seemed to be busy locked in heavy verbal assault with Naga. More importantly, he wasn't moving around. Perfect. She started the spell.
"Darkness from twilight,
Crimson from blood that flows...
Buried in the flow of time...
In thy great name, I pledge... ah, to hell with it--
DRAGON SLAAAVE!!!!"
The red streams of power gathered through Lina's hands, forking and blasting across the sky...
"Perhaps," Naga said, "But I myself am personally responsible for the terror and nightmares of an entire village, having unleashed a horde of myself upon them! OOHOOHHOOO!"
Ozek was getting very frustrated. "VERY WELL! FOUL HUMAN WHO SEEMS TO THINK SHE CAN OUT-EVIL ME, BEWARE! FOR NOW, YOU FACE YOUR *UTTER DESTRUCTION!!* I--"
Then the Dragon Slave hit him.
Every molecule in Ozek's body simultaneously exploded and imploded at once, fracturing apart in the magical inferno of destructive power. A huge mushrooming orange cloud formed where the temple was, knocking Naga a distance away; she slid to a halt in the air, and watched him burn, the Mazoku lord becoming so much blue-green ash as the spell's effects drifted away in the breeze.
"Udder destruction, you say?" Naga smiled. "How appropriate. You fight like a cow."
ba dum bum ching.
Pleased with herself, she landed by the group.
"Everybody can relax!" Naga declared. "I have slain the beast with a single stroke of my razor-sharp wit!"
Lina fell over.
Lily stepped over. "Ano.. excuse me.. but I have to go now. I need to find him..."
"Oh, him," Naga said. "I believe Ozek mentioned he was sacrificed messily. Tough luck, dear."
The white sorceress turned white. "Sac.. sacrificed?" She looked at the crater, where the temple had been neatly atomized. No chance of bringing back someone who was that dead, even with the Ultra Restoration...
"I.. I failed..." Lily said, in quiet horror.
"Don't worry! You have a new job now," Naga said. "Accompany me, Naga the White Serpent, on my adventures! OOHOOHOHOO!"
Lily fainted.
Gourry poked her with a stick.
Lina sighed. "This is a great turn of events. Does she HAVE to come with us, Naga?"
"I won't hear otherwise," Naga said. "Thus Naga has spoken!"
"Taking stock..." Lina said, surveying the landscape, swaying gently with exhaustion. "The whatever that was is gone, the goon guy who was bugging us went with him, we're all healed including my dinner accident and we know where to find the Great Library. Not a bad day's work. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a well deserved nap."
Naga and Gourry nodded.
Lina yawned, and went to sleep on the spot.
When she woke up the next morning, she was in the coach, trundling off towards the Great Library, and whatever was going to happen next.
Lina Inversed slept under a bush, keeping a good hold on her marble-thrower in case anybody who was hunting her tried to attack her or grab her. She dreamed dead dreams, a thankful skill she had developed over time, giving her a flat night's rest.
But somehow, she did have one dream out of the blank slate that the rest of the night occupied...
The figure smiled.
"You again," Lina said, toes curled, ready to attack if she had to. "What do you want? What now?"
"Just checking up on things," he said. "Making progress?"
"It's at the Great Library, and I found out where that is," Lina said. "I'll be there and I'll have the mirror lores before she does. You had better not be lying about this..."
"Lina, Lina! Trust me," the man said, smiling wide. "Perhaps your usual magic was burned out, but wholly new spells will work fine. You'll be able to find the revenge you seek in the mirror lores. Be strong. I'll be guiding you and helping you."
"I don't trust you. I don't know who you are or what you are," Lina said. "I'll kill you if you lie to me or hurt me. Don't try it. DON'T!"
The man gave a sweeping bow, and vanished from her dreams. Lina slept.